Volume 94, Issue 99

Wednesday, March 28, 2000


Attack of the parking attendants!

There's trouble a brewin' in the hills

Comic makes light of left-wing values

Stickin' it to the feminists

Look out campus blues, it's sticker time

Health? I laugh at 'health' and death

Credit cards just a stepping stone to mortgages and car payments

Maraj's achy breaky heart

Look out campus blues, it's sticker time

By Marcus Maleus
Opinions Intern

We as students don't have to live on a campus ridden with sad faces and lonely lamenting souls. With a little work we could be as happy as the end of a 7th Heaven episode. "Aw, you're crazy man," you may say, but we can do it. I have a plan.

Seeing as the University Students' Council has so much money to throw around, they could hand out, at the beginning of every school year, a package of stickers with cool sayings on them. "Hey, nice shirt," "your hair looks rad," and "mmm, you smell great!" to name a few.

We could put these stickers on people as we please. Say for instance, I thought you, Joe or Jane Gazette reader, had cool leggings on. I could just pull out my sticker pack, turn to page 'C' for 'cool leggings,' peel off the sticker, and put it on you. You wouldn't have to engage in meaningless surface conversation with your stickee. You just put it on, and go.

Not only would you feel great about your leggings, but next time you ran into me, you'd feel more inclined to give me a 'hey, thanks for the sticker' wink or just simply say 'hi.' Before you know it, the multiplier effect of happiness would start a wave of uncontrollable 'buddy-buddiness' across campus.

We'd all feel great when we'd come home at night to find our clothes riddled with cool stickers. "Aw shucks, I got 'saucy pants' again? Man, I love my co-Westerners."

I think even the tough guys at Western would be willing to subscribe to the sticker program and just put the tough guy stuff on hold until they got to the bars.

The sticker program could even help you get out of trouble. Say you got pulled over for speeding by the University Police. You could just roll up your sleeve and point to the sticker that says "man, I got the need for speed." After a little good-hearted chucklin,' he'd say "alright, I understand" and send you on your way.

All I know is if I had a sticker that said "awesome proposed program," I'd stick it on this one.

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Copyright The Gazette 2000