Volume 94, Issue 99

Wednesday, March 28, 2000


Attack of the parking attendants!

There's trouble a brewin' in the hills

Comic makes light of left-wing values

Stickin' it to the feminists

Look out campus blues, it's sticker time

Health? I laugh at 'health' and death

Credit cards just a stepping stone to mortgages and car payments

Maraj's achy breaky heart

Health? I laugh at 'health' and death

Colin Butler
Opinions Editor

It's tough being a student. It requires massive amounts of energy in order to sustain a meagre existence of cutting class and partying. Many students collapse from lack of nutrients due to the poor quality of diet most are forced to endure while away from mom and dad.

You may have noticed the recent campaign on campus to force students to wake up and feed their bodies the vitamins and minerals they need to sustain a healthy lifestyle. I laugh in the face of these so-called "experts." I am living proof that healthy eating isn't necessary.

I haven't eaten a healthy meal since 1984, and I still have all of my teeth, hair and fingers. Although medical experts would claim this is due to the unusually high concentration of sodium benzoate and other preservative chemicals that exist within my system, the point is: I'm still living.

So how do I do it? What is the secret to my vitality?

Every morning, I start out with a bag of Miss Vickie's jalapeno chips. I'm not talking the little 50g piece of crap, I'm talking the huge 240g motherload. The fat in these babies will get your heart jump-started, and the spices will get your stomach working. Wash this down with a bottle of vodka. Always.

Now that you've had your starchy vegetables, it's time for the meat group. Schneider's Hot Rods do the trick nicely. Get the ones down at Infosource, they're extra crunchy (for some reason).

Next, you'll need your fruit. Go to The Pit Stop and get yourself a tube of Fresh Squeezed bubble gum, it's some sort of strange strawberry/toothpaste/bubble gum hybrid, rumoured to be developed by the Nazis as a last ditch effort to win the war. Eat.

Mix the preceding foodstuffs with two or three Tootsie Rolls a day and plenty of crackers stolen from CentreSpot, and you've got the diet for academic success and a very interesting stool. As a student, you'll need a strange diet meant for some sort of ethically depraved lab experiment to find out how much crap it takes to kill an adult human.

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Copyright The Gazette 2000