Volume 94, Issue 89
Friday, March 9, 2001
Survivor? We could do that too
The Rules: Each columnist can pick a leader, cook, medic, carpenter, hunter, a token sexy character, plus one fictional character to survive as a tribe on a deserted island somewhere in the Pacific.
Leader: Every ragtag group needs a leader. I choose none other than Winston Churchill. Yes, that cigar chompin', pit bull walking, stick carrying, multi-talented and all around good guy Winston Churchill.
Cook: For this team there's only one person capable of feeding these men, the master of 11 herbs and spices, the man who puts the fried in chicken and one fun guy Colonel Sanders.
Medic: How about former FBI director, J. Edgar Hoover. Like many simple minded people out there you're wondering what kind of medical experience this man has. Well, I don't know, but he probably looked cute in an evening gown, so why not?
Carpenter: Jimmy Carter. Yeah he's not funny, but man can that guy build.
Hunter: A good hunter needs to be fearless, love animals, be Australian and above all else, wear really short shorts. The only person that fits this category is none other than the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin. Not only does he fit all the criteria but he says "by Croikey" all the time.
Token sexy character: Many may be wondering why the young William Shatner has been chosen for this category. Let's face it, the young Captain Kirk was one sexy bitch. Who could ever resist his wily charms or overacting? Man that guy was so sexy to the chicks, somebody get me a glass of water.
Antagonist: Well we have the greatest leader of the 20th Century, so there's only one person who can thwart his efforts. The most evil man in the universe Hitler.
Fictional characters: The entire cast of Scooby Doo including Scrappy. I'm not exactly sure why they're here, or what they're going to do but I was drinking and it's all good.
Let's just say for one crazy moment these guys happen to run across the poor unfortunate bastards from the Hobostro tribe in one big showdown. The two teams meet and Churchill sends his pitbull against the hapless Lassie wannabe, the Little Hobo, killing Lassie, uh, I mean the Little Hobo almost immediately. Quickly, the body is given to the Colonel and my team is eating some good tasting meat.
At this point, Hobostro is directionless and getting hungry, as the 1985 Blue Jays' outfield are doing what they always did, choke. Things start going downhill for Hobostro as Bob Marley, in a haze, falls madly in love with a dress-wearing Hoover.
At some point, a big storm hits and it turns out the shelter built by Jim Henson's Muppets is about as solid as Lackner's academic record. My tribe watches from the mansion Jimmy Carter built, sipping mango juice.
All this time, The Croc Hunter has been playing with rattlers it's what he does, why stop him?
Christopher Walken, hoping to scare a wild boar to death, ends up realizing that he's not that scary when he's running like a bat out of hell.
Finally the Scooby crew, will discover that the Loch Ness monster, is a hoax, operated by the 1986 Blue Jays' outfield in attempt to avoid doing anything useful. Oh, and William Shatner is inside naked with Katie Holmes.
In the end it is inevitable, we will win!
The Hobostro tribe, whose name is derived from the devilishly clever word combination of hobo and Castro, rises well above the Golden tribe.
Leader: I've got the dog from The Littlest Hobo (hereafter referred to as, LH) and Maraj has got some "no-name" politician named Churchill. Yes, Churchill may have led a nation through adversity, but he had droves of underlings. Hobo? He was a hero, a drifter; an icon for humanity. He had the capacity to reunite long-lost brothers, help Mennonites raise a barn, or help the RCMP shut down a diamond smuggling ring. LH doesn't serve the nation-state, he serves mankind. Plus, Churchill was a drunk and I think LH has telepathic powers.
Cook: Maraj has Colonel Sanders, who can make some great mutant chicken. However, Hobostro selected the Blue Jays 1985-86 outfield, featuring Barfield, Moseby and Bell. Barfield strikes me as a guy who, besides playing some great ball, can also make some great quiche. Moseby is my nut and berry man. I envision Bell riding Hobo into battle, his bat a-swingin'.
Medic: Bob Marley; he can heal you with a combination of herbal remedies and soothing reggae beats. You can't have low tribe morale while smoking weed and listening to Marley. The Maraj medic is former cross-dressing FBI boss, J. Edgar Hoover: Whatever buddy.
Carpenter: Hobostro has Jim Henson and Maraj has former US president Jimmy Carter. Carter can build houses, but Jimmy could build you Kermit the Frog out of sand, leaves and a pine cone.
Hunter: Weird and disturbing actor, Christopher Walken. Despite the fact that all he talks about is "my buddy Satan making a huge comeback" and his war against "the evil cloud monkeys," I think Walken is solid. He could kill an animal with one frosty stare.
Sexy character: I chose Katie Holmes and Maraj chose William Shatner. His pick should be disturbing whether you're straight, gay or lesbian. Katie will be protected from Shatner's charms by George Bell and his unfocused rage, not to mention her secret ability to make people's heads explode (ˆ la movie Scanners).
Antagonist: Maraj took Hitler as his antagonist. Does anyone honestly expect Hitler, Churchill, Carter and Hoover to co-exist in a tribe? Too many politicians; too many egos. Castro is my pick. He'd form a strong bond with LH, because they've both worked towards the betterment of the common man. I wouldn't be surprised if LH is a communist himself. Crazy Hobo, political affiliations are for people! Castro could also distract Churchill with political debate and sweet Cuban cigars.
Fictional character: At first glance, Maraj's selection of the Scooby Doo cast is pretty bold. However, I've got the Loch Ness Monster. Marley will occupy Scooby and Shaggy with weed. Meanwhile, the rest of the Mystery Machine, as well as the Crocodile Hunter, will be occupied searching for Nessie. Sadly, the Maraj tribe will starve due to the Croc Hunter's obsession.
The lesson: When you combine the forces of Castro, a communist dog and puppet-master Jim Henson, the world is yours for the taking.
-Sean Maraj and Chris Lackner
Decide which tribe survived! E-mail us with your letters explaining who you thought won: firstname.lastname@example.org
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