Volume 94, Issue 89
Friday, March 9, 2001
Defining a new era of spectatorship
Spring is around the corner and there's nothing quite like watching a live sporting event. The feeling of the wind in your hair and the sun on your back in an outdoor setting is truly matchless. A game is great when the action on the field and the passion of the crowd can move you to near-euphoria as your team grapples to dominate the other.
Well, what if your team is losing? Or what if the game is sluggish, or it sucks because there's no beer? Doesn't sound very euphoric, does it?
Here are some things you can try to make your sports viewing more entertaining:
If you don't have money for concessions, you can always "redistribute." If the event has old-fashioned bleachers where you can simply reach through the boards that brace the cornucopia of keesters, you can easily grab nachos, hotdogs, beers and various other treats that'll give somebody a coronary. Justify it by stealing food from extremely overweight individuals, replacing the food with rice cakes.
No alcohol served at the sporting event? No problem, you can easily by-pass this slight inconvenience with the following items: A bottle of vodka, a bunch of oranges and a syringe. Simply fill the syringe with vodka and then inject it into the oranges. Don't inject too much though it'll taste like shit, plus the oranges will leak. When you pass security, you'll just be carrying a bag of oranges.
Once you're in business that is, when you have a bag full of orange rinds and you reek of vodka you can really start to have fun.
Start cheering for the home team with vociferously. Gradually turn cheers into angry rants about the government and how they're trying to control the minds of our children with Mexican food.
Tap the person sitting next to you on the shoulder periodically to offer slices of raw bacon, a copy of Bill Cosby's Parenthood, or to smell the inside of your shoes. Ask for the time every five minutes, with each update mumble under your breath about killing Alan Thicke.
Lean over the player's bench so you can see the coach's playbook.
Every time the coach scribbles down notes or gives instructions, snicker and say, "You're doing it all wrong!" Or "Put me in, coach!"
Sit at the bottom row with your back to the field. Stand up every once in a while and yell at fans for poor performance. Yell things like, "You're doing it all wrong!" "Use a bib!" and "Let's hustle people! Come on! Move it!"
If anyone says anything, act shocked and say, "You mean, you can see me?" Run away screaming.
If you can make it through one game doing the recommended activities without being either arrested, or beaten to death by an unruly rabble of angered sports fans, then you are a greater person than I, my friend. Just remember: A sports game doesn't have to be boring, or alcohol free, so long as you use your head.
Copyright © The Gazette 2000