Volume 95, Issue 2
Thursday, May 31, 2001
|ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT||
I'll take a sword over a pen anyday!
I've heard the pen is mightier than the sword, but I've recently decided the whole sword side of the equation seems a hell of a lot more fun. That's right folks – this student journalist is becoming a knight.
I made this career decision after seeing the rock 'n roll medieval flick A Knight's Tale. It's the story of a peasant who rises from his lowly serf status to become a knight of great fame and fortune.
My first instinct told me – "Hey, if it can happen in a movie then it can definitely happen in real life." Of course, it was these same "instincts" that made me want to become a Roman general last summer. Eventually someone told me the Roman Empire doesn't exist anymore – that pissed me right off.
There's something about the so-called "summer blockbusters" that always leave me searching for a new hero to model my life after. Maybe it's because our own world often seems so bereft of anything resembling chivalry or heroism.
Or maybe it's because I haven't been able to fill the personal hero void created when Magnum P.I. went off the air. Looking at some of this year's box-office contenders – finding a good old-fashioned hero is quite the challenge.
For starters, you've got Brendan Fraser reprising his Indiana Jones character rip-off in The Mummy Returns. Let me clarify something for everyone – I think Mr. Fraser is a horrific actor and a complete meat-head. No hero status for you Brendan.
In the computer-animated Shrek, the hero is a giant green ogre with ears like trumpets and a Mike Myers-induced Scottish accent. While admittedly being slightly out of touch with reality, I think the chances of me transforming myself into a digitized ogre are rather slim at this point.
The video game spin-off, Tomb Raider presents us with the curvaceous Angelina Jolie playing adventurer Lara Croft. Not a good hero to base my life upon – if I looked like Angelina Jolie, I would do nothing but stare at myself in the mirror all day long and the whole hero thing would undoubtedly suffer.
In the American blow-job film, Pearl Harbour, Ben Affleck plays a fighter pilot stationed at the ill-fated base. This automatically eliminates him from my search for heroes.
Affleck and Matt Damon made it big with their film Good Will Hunting and – by most accounts – have now become arrogant and insufferable assholes. I see enough of those guys on this bloody campus – Affleck can kiss my ass.
All this yapping brings me back to my original premise – Screw journalism: I want to be a knight. Just look at some of the benefits:
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