Volume 95, Issue 2

Thursday, May 31, 2001


Seasons change on Friday

I'll take a sword over a pen anyday!

Shits and giggles

Blues Traveller return with moody Bridge

I'll take a sword over a pen anyday!

Slacktose Intolerant

Chris Lackner
C&C Editor

I've heard the pen is mightier than the sword, but I've recently decided the whole sword side of the equation seems a hell of a lot more fun. That's right folks this student journalist is becoming a knight.

I made this career decision after seeing the rock 'n roll medieval flick A Knight's Tale. It's the story of a peasant who rises from his lowly serf status to become a knight of great fame and fortune. 

My first instinct told me "Hey, if it can happen in a movie then it can definitely happen in real life." Of course, it was these same "instincts" that made me want to become a Roman general last summer. Eventually someone told me the Roman Empire doesn't exist anymore that pissed me right off.

There's something about the so-called "summer blockbusters" that always leave me searching for a new hero to model my life after. Maybe it's because our own world often seems so bereft of anything resembling chivalry or heroism. 

Or maybe it's because I haven't been able to fill the personal hero void created when Magnum P.I. went off the air. Looking at some of this year's box-office contenders finding a good old-fashioned hero is quite the challenge.

For starters, you've got Brendan Fraser reprising his Indiana Jones character rip-off in The Mummy Returns. Let me clarify something for everyone I think Mr. Fraser is a horrific actor and a complete meat-head. No hero status for you Brendan.

In the computer-animated Shrek, the hero is a giant green ogre with ears like trumpets and a Mike Myers-induced Scottish accent. While admittedly being slightly out of touch with reality, I think the chances of me transforming myself into a digitized ogre are rather slim at this point. 

The video game spin-off, Tomb Raider presents us with the curvaceous Angelina Jolie playing adventurer Lara Croft. Not a good hero to base my life upon if I looked like Angelina Jolie, I would do nothing but stare at myself in the mirror all day long and the whole hero thing would undoubtedly suffer. 

In the American blow-job film, Pearl Harbour, Ben Affleck plays a fighter pilot stationed at the ill-fated base. This automatically eliminates him from my search for heroes. 

Affleck and Matt Damon made it big with their film Good Will Hunting and by most accounts have now become arrogant and insufferable assholes. I see enough of those guys on this bloody campus Affleck can kiss my ass.

All this yapping brings me back to my original premise Screw journalism: I want to be a knight. Just look at some of the benefits:

  • The fair maidens love ya.
  • When someone is pissing you off you can lance them with impunity.
  • You get a horse [potentially troublesome because my roommates would feed it beer and nachos]
  • A "round table" would be way cooler then my current coffee table.
  • You get to battle the forces of evil and always win [my first Knightly target: George Dubya Bush]
  • People would have to call me Sir Lackner

Goodbye journalism! I'm gonna be a hero, save the princess, slay the dragon and all that jazz. By the way, if you know any kings or lords put in a good word for me, okay? 

Gazette File Photo
YOU CALL THAT A SWORD? WELL THIS IS A HORSE! In search of a hero or role model, a Gazette staff member finds help from a Knight.

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