Volume 95, Issue 46

Thursday, November 22, 2001
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About the Gazette


The Gazette's ultimate student survival guide

Protection from vampires

Talking like a jazz man

Eating right

Finding the house of your dreams

Buying a crazy pet

Surfing the bookstacks

Saving your money

Be just like Psychic Bob

Rolling a big phatty

Protection from vampires

Most students are concerned with tuition, academics, part-time jobs and their social lives. Few ever consider the legitimate threat of vampires.

If you, your family or one of your friends is being harassed by a dastardly nosferatu, there are a number of simple measures you can use to protect yourself from their undead menace.

As with anything in life, start with the basics.

Load up on Holy water, crucifixes, garlic and crosses. Always keep one thing in mind – if it works in the movies, it will probably work in real life.

If the vampire in question is being more than a little pesky, you might want to think about killing him or her. According to professional vampire hunters on the Internet [sadly, this is not a joke], the nocturnal devils can be destroyed by beheading, sunlight, cremation, being pierced with a blessed sword, being completely immersed in water or getting a stake through the heart.

When it comes to a wooden stake, make sure it is made from the wood of an Ash, Hawthorn or Rosewood tree. Apparently, vampires are very particular about the kinds of wood in which they are opposed. Silly demons! Why must they be so complicated?

Final thoughts: never fall in love with a vampire [even if you are a vampire slayer]. Keep in mind – sex with a vampire might be fun, but they will probably kill you either during or after the sweet, sweet passion [a condom will simply not offer enough protection]. Wearing silver is supposed to offer you reprieve from a vampires psychic and hypnotic powers.

Remember: people with fangs = bad. People without fangs = good.

Good luck, ladies and gentlemen. May no creatures of the night trouble you during your years here at Western.

–Chris Lackner

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Copyright The Gazette 2001