Volume 95, Issue 46

Thursday, November 22, 2001
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About the Gazette


The Gazette's ultimate student survival guide

Protection from vampires

Talking like a jazz man

Eating right

Finding the house of your dreams

Buying a crazy pet

Surfing the bookstacks

Saving your money

Be just like Psychic Bob

Rolling a big phatty

Buying a crazy pet

Everyone loves companionship, but sometimes your ICQ chat buddy in Constantinople just won't do. Here are a few alternatives to real friends...

Dog: Man's best friend? Sure. Man's best tool for picking up chicks? You better believe it. The dog makes dating a snap – a canine is the best excuse for conversation since wooden legs.

Fish: They may not love to cuddle and they may be absolutely horrible Frisbee players, but rumour has it they reduce stress. And they're highly disposable, just like cats.

Snake: The almighty snake – provider of many hours of "let's pretend we're the crocodile hunter" fun and "have you seen my snake" jokes.

Turtle: Also in the 'exotic' category, this reptile's popularity has been on the decline ever since the demise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Monkey: Isn't it awesome when they scratch their balls and pick their noses on TV? You bet, but much like the cheetah, pig and bear, they're only cute when they're little. Eventually, you have to sell them to illegal animal traders on E-Bay.

–Marcus Maleus

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