Volume 95, Issue 48

Tuesday, November 27, 2001
 
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SPORTS

Mustangs light up Waterloo and remain unbeaten

Mustangs sink Lakehead

"Somewhere over the rainbow..."

OUA bronze for Mustangs

Western curlers let rocks fly

Skaters salchow to second

Acrobatics on display

"Somewhere over the rainbow..."

For whom the bell tolls
Jordan Bell
Sports Editor


The world of sports is a risky business, just ask Pete Rose. But like Harry Potter and his magical powers, the sportos in The Gazette office hold the key to sporting prophecy.

Like sand in an hourglass, these are the future sporting stories of our lives.



Attack on Canada

Who is the one man those gun-toting Americans want more than Osama bin Laden?

Vince Carter.

For those Yankees, 'Vinsanity's' choosing of the 'land where people ski' is paramount to burning the American flag.

When the Americans blow bin Laden out of his hole, their next mission will no doubt be to wage war on their little brother up North. Their mission will be to infiltrate the Air Canada Centre, snag the 'American dream boy' and force him to write a proclamation denouncing the Canadian way.

Fortunately for Canada, the mission will be decimated when an uprising of Canuck hockey players 'jersey pull' the American troops and beat the living daylights out of them.



In Davenport we trust

The Olympic committee will re-introduce the joust at the 2008 summer games in Beijing, China.

In a stunning event, French knight and Western president Paul Davenport, wearing the purple and white of Western and riding atop his horse bareback, comes out victorious and gives Canada their only medal of the games.

Unfortunately, the joust is eliminated from the 2012 Olympic games and Davenport goes into seclusion. Rumours swirl he can be spotted in various bushy locations throughout campus... why does that remind me of someone?



The man who finally smiled

Paul O'Neill, the New York Yankee who always looks like he just walked in on his wife 'schizzling the neighbour's nizzle,' will have a revelation while watching an episode of Jenny Jones.

O'Neill will realize the world really is full of dirty, yellow, trailer park trash, led by Jenny herself, London's own pillar of stardom.

Wielding his Louisville Slugger, O'Neill will go on a mass rampage to end the trailer park madness.

Unfortunately, O'Neill will be so overcome by disgust, his only response will be to turn that frown upside down.


Western athletics goes the way of Windsor

In a stunning turn of events, Western athletics is decimated when frustrated athletes revolt because events are attended by an average of two and a half people.

In addition, the athletic administration pulls a Social Science Students' Council blunder and loses all their money, forcing the football players to live off the budget of teams like badminton and fencing – how asinine.

With no remedy in sight, Western is forced to scout at Gazette camp, where the meaning of a touchdown is pouring beer in your navel.

The 'purple' and 'proud' are destroyed when they travel to the hole that is Windsor and lose to the Lancers. Wait, even us geeks can beat those buffoons at Windsor.



Ping-Pong goes Canadian

In an unprecedented feat of guile, a Gazette staffer completely dominates three Asian champions in the World Ping-Pong Championship.

Using a plethora of top-spin smashes and under the influence of various mind-altering substances, the staffer summons the ping-pong gods to win the first championship in Canadian ping-pong history.

If you can guess which staff member it is, you get a pack of 'Canadian Tire' ping-pong balls.

Lauren Starr/Gazette
SILENCE IS GOLDEN. Unfortunately, this does not hold true for Mustang athletes, whose only request is you park you ass in those cold, hard, hemorrhoid-causing seats.


To Contact The Sports Department:
gazette.sports@uwo.ca

Copyright The Gazette 2001