Volume 95, Issue 48

Tuesday, November 27, 2001
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Cheap gifts

Editorial Cartoon

Editorial Board 2001-2002

Cheap gifts

Jolly old St. Nick, Adam Smith, Tommy Hilfiger and the rest of their capitalist buddies have little reason to smile this holiday season.

Due to a sagging economy, Christmas sales are expected to plummet. However, as you gaze into your empty wallets, have no fear – the brave minds at The Gazette have come up with multiple gift ideas that will bring joy to the hearts of your loved ones, yet require very few broken piggy banks.

- Sock Puppets: some might say diamonds are the essential gift of love, but, in the end, nothing screams sweet, sweet passion like a sock puppet. Rid yourself of old gym socks and create new friends for those closest to you. They are the gift that keeps on giving – especially among the criminally insane.

- An empty beer bottle sculpture: this novelty is sure to be the cornerstone of any living room for years to come and half the fun lies in making the empties!

- A life-size drawing of Scott Baio (must be in crayon): when you think about it – hasn't Charles always been in charge? You can't go wrong with this one.

- Old Kenny G and Meatloaf CDs: 'cause everyone needs coasters.

- A free subscription to The Gazette: this gift concept should fool many of your less intelligent, neanderthal buddies and any family members who were spawned at the shallow end of the gene pool.

- A homemade coupon book: your friends will be astounded when they see coupons for delightful treats like free William Shatner impersonations, half-price lobotomies and 20 per cent off professor assassinations.

- A "dead fish of the day" advent calendar: think of the endless smiles on your loved one's faces as they count down the days to Christmas with a new dead fish each and every morning. Captain Highliner – eat your heart out.

- A guided tour of the student ghetto: your mom and dad will be amazed when you introduce them to your steet corner buddy, "Crackhead" Eddy or your crazy landlady, who walks, talks and looks exactly like a penguin. Let your dad take a nap on the old sofa that's been on your neighbour's front lawn since last September. Your parents will never want to visit you again. Nice.

- A piece of the rain forest: When all is said and done, one could say the whole world is kind of like one giant rain forest. In a sense, the rocks, mud and sticks in your backyard are all part of the same, glorious landscape. If people question your gifts' authenticity, use an old shaman trick from the Tupi tribe of Brazil – simply wack the doubter on the head with one of your magical rain forest sticks.

- A ghost dog: people will be amazed when you give them an adorable, invisible ghost dog. It comes with the same canine loyalty and friendship, but without the physical drawbacks of house training, needing to be fed or dying. This gift may involve some collective self-delusion.

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Copyright The Gazette 2001