Volume 95, Issue 28

Tuesday, October 23, 2001
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Editorial Board 2001-2002

A five year plan of our own

Editorial Cartoon

A five year plan of our own

Western's own band of hired geeks and primordial fossils – otherwise known as the Senate and Board of Governors – is constructing a strategic five-year plan in order to foster growth and improve the quality of life within the Western community.

Big whoop.

We student journalists, suffering from colossal egos and a propensity to drink heavily, have constructed a five-year plan of our own (we didn't know we could count that high either). It may have originally been written in crayon under the auspices of narcotic influence, but we think it's pretty bitchin'.

Tuition shall no longer be paid in currency form. Instead, all future tuition shall be paid in Skittles, vodka, stories about your uncle, midgets or condoms.

Peoplenip suits for BOG candidates. Like catnip, peoplenip makes most humans dreamy and playful. All future candidates will wear full-body suits covered in the mythical herb in order to make the election a pleasure instead of a reason to make a self-lobotomy plausible.

BOG shall be re-named "The Notorious B.O.G.." In order to facilitate interest in future BOG races The Gazette plans to cash-in on ghetto culture by renaming the most powerful political body on campus. Student candidates running for seats on the notorious B.O.G. will be expected to deliver speeches in rap form, distribute crack rock and murder rival candidates who mess with their "shit."

More accessibility for pirates. It is obvious the pirate population at Western is significantly under-valued. A system of canals would be built throughout campus in order to allow passage for clipper ships and galleons. That way, more captains and their scurvy crews of sea dogs will be able to attend class and stay academically ship shape.

Naked masturbator to be named dean of new faculty of masturbatorial sciences. Ever wondered if you're keeping up with the Jones' in the fine art of jackingoff? We called a professional to guide you through the subtle intricacies of feeling your pocket for your big, hairy rocket. Enjoy, but don't get any on the couch.

Saugeen to be turned into prison. All students caught breaking the Code of Student Conduct will be dubbed enemies of the Knights of France by French Knight Paul Davenport. All political prisoners will be kept in Western's new Bastille – Saugeen-Maitland Hall. It may be a sexy, sexy prison with many, many orgies, but it's a prison nonetheless. That'll teach those meddlesome kids!

Mascot for Western becomes Polkaroo. In order to reach young people before they choose a university, Western should adopt the mysterious, yet cheerful marsupial and friend of children everywhere, Polkaroo, as their new mascot. He will also head the financial complaints office delighting would-be strung-out students with his wonderful lack of vocabulary by saying "Polkaroo" over and over again.

Hey, ever notice how Paul Davenport and Polkaroo never appear in the same room together? Hmmm...

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Copyright The Gazette 2001