Volume 95, Issue 31

Friday, October 26, 2001
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A utopia brought to you by Volkswagen

The plagiarism police are here

Dumb ass jobs in decline?

Hey girls! My wallet weighs 12 lbs.

Hey girls! My wallet weighs 12 lbs.

Where's Chip?
Dale Wyatt
A&E Editor

Stick ye head on the executioner's block. It seems we are heading back to medieval times – at least in some respects.

Let's review some common knowledge of the Medieval Age.

There were rich kings, dragons and tonnes of poor, toothless, smelly peasants who had little to no food, but an undying love for fornication.

Furthermore, any money people did get their dirty hands on was in the form of coins – big, heavy, annoying coins.

In order to accommodate all the coins, people carried small pouches they tied to their belts.

Sounds pretty stupid if you ask me.

So why does our country insist on turning all our thin, light weight bills into coins?

Lots of paper money easily fits inside my wallet – a handful of coins does not. If need be, bills can be changed into coins easily at change machines, but not vise versa. To add insult to injury, how is a man posing as a millionaire, such as myself, supposed to light a cigar at a millionaire convention with a one dollar coin?

Here's how all this craziness began.

First, we lost the one dollar bill, only to have it replaced with the loonie. Despite the coin's ridiculous name, it was an understandable move.

Dollar coins are far easier to use in all kinds of economic situations – getting a Coke from a machine, paying parking meters and doing a load of laundry.

Next, the government took away the beloved two dollar bill, only to replace it with the toonie.

Can anyone tell me what the hell a toonie is? Maybe it's some kind of furry, sharp toothed northern creature of which I am unfamilar.

In any respect, it's a stupid name for a coin.

Every time you purchase something with a five dollar bill, you can expect to get a handful of the above-mentioned coins and then some in return.

Where exactly am I supposed to put them? My wallet can no longer close and it weighs 12 pounds.

To accommodate this horrible trend, I'm going to have to tie a coin sack around my waist like my medieval forefathers.

I'm going to also start saving my five dollar bills. Seriously, how long before Canada introduces the "cinqoonie"?

Imagine how many coins you'll get then.

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Copyright The Gazette 2001