Volume 95, Issue 6

Tuesday, September 11, 2001
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The Great Escape

Sundays were meant for church? Not anymore...

Time to kiss ma, pa, the dog and sports goodbye

Soccer kicks off season

Sporting adventures

2001 Western Football Schedule

Sundays were meant for church? Not anymore...

For all of the women in the world, the best thing you can do to make your man happy doesn't involve food or sex, but football. Just let your man watch football.

It's conceivably the most simple piece of advice to follow, yet very rarely is this the case. Football is the lifeblood of the prototypical jock male. It could be compared to shopping for a woman, an event which can last all day and will be just as exciting at the end as it was at the beginning.

Why do you think movies like Gladiator do so well at the box office? It brings primitive man back to his element, where his aggressive hunting skills can be fulfilled. Russell Crowe was every man's "God" because he kicked some serious ass.

The same can be said for football. There is nothing better for a man than watching a bunch of mammoth warriors violently hit and trash-talk their opposition. Scoring the all-important touchdown is obviously the goal, but it's what happens on the journey that makes football the most fan-friendly sport in the world.

Add a bunch of the brewster's liquid courage, a fresh, piping-hot pizza and a man's clan of loyal friends and you have every jocks heaven.

The most baffling dilemma is this ritual seems to be so difficult for a man to accomplish. Somewhere along the line, women have found a way to turn this glorious event into a tug-of-war for affection.

There are endless stories of unfortunate souls who have been denied the greatness of the pigskin for a walk in the park or a visit to the in-laws, or even worse a trip to the shopping mall. Some men end up knowing more about each particular piece of jewelry at Tiffany's than the starting quarterback for the St. Louis Rams.

I believe the key to the increasing divorce rate lies in football. Designate Sundays as the exclusive day for football and nothing else and a 50 per cent divorce rate turns into a 10 percent divorce rate.

Many women believe they are gaining more attention and administering more control in their relationship. They will be happier because they are making their man an active participant in the relationship and the union of two loving souls will conquer all.

This is a bunch of malarkey you would probably hear at some bogus marriage counsellor's office.

If you let your man own the television room on Sundays, drink all the alcohol he wants and invite all of his friends over to ransack the place, you will be the happiest and most fulfilled woman this side of Rita MacNeil.

Your mate will pamper you with compliments, brag about you to acquaintances and be so satisfied he will want to return the favour in any way possible. Also, this frees up more time for women to shop to their hearts content.

Now, I know this all sounds extremely barbaric and a little too-good-to-be-true, but ultimately, this is what it boils down to.

Football is this important.

The leaves are falling off the trees, the scorching summer days have come to an end and the soft white snowflakes will soon fill the sky. It paints a beautiful picture, doesn't it?

So just let men enjoy their football. It's a small request, but it will make all the difference. And remember, food and sex are a close second.

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Copyright The Gazette 2001