Volume 95, Issue 9

Friday, September 14, 2001
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Darrin O'Brien is as sober and soft as a snowflake

Tielli is the anti cock-rocker

Harris Files take over your TV

Shits and Giggles

Harris Files take over your TV

*Editors note: due to the pathetic television roster the major networks have cooked up for the fall [and who thought anything could ever sink lower than Blossom], I have decided to develop a rip-off series dedicated to solving one of the most staggering political riddles of our time.

*Second editors note: I'm not wearing any underwear.

Setting: a car travelling down a shadowy and rain-battered road somewhere in the quasi-apocalyptic world of the GTA.

Scully: It's not logical, Mulder. We've talked to teachers, workers, nurses, students, junkies and hockey-haired rock icon Kim Mitchell. All of them despise Mike Harris' corrupt, pro-business, American-style political agenda, yet his Tories have more or less swept the region in the last two provincial elections.

Mulder: (singing) Those patio lanterns, they were the stars in our sky...

Scully: Mulder!

Mulder: Sorry Scully, I actually shouldn't be here – I've left the show and it's never been clear if I ever slept with you. I'm hoping soulless Canadian rock will finally win your heart.

Scully: Keep it in your pants – there's a conspiracy here! We're almost at the destination where we'll meet our informant, 'Deep–Walkerton–Ipperwash–I hate the poor, but love rich, greedy bastards in golf shirts–Fred Penner–throat.'

*They brake to a halt and emerge from the car after spotting a swaggering pot-bellied figure on the roadside. Mulder is softly humming Whitney Houston's ballad, "I will always love you."

Scully: Why are people voting like heartless meatheads?

*Figure chuckles, lights a cigar and steps into the light to reveal himself as a smug Mike Harris, an albino snake coiled around his neck.

Scully: A satanic cult?

Harris: Nope. The snake-thing worked for Britney. I was hoping to boost my own sexual charisma.

Mulder: You've certainly won me over Mr. Harris. Grrrrrrrrr!

Harris: The two of you know too much. Let me introduce you to my disciples.

*Other figures emerge from the shadows, revealing health-care professionals, circus monkeys and other voting blocks angered by Tory policy.

–Harris: It's all an act! All those who bitch between elections are part of a vast alien conspiracy. We come from a world where the downtrodden are central fixtures in our comedy. Basically, we've come here to laugh at your misfortune.

*Eerie laughter echoes among all the gathered figures and they close in on Mulder and Scully. Harris rips off an apparent mask to reveal the age-worn face of Kim Mitchell.

Mulder: (singing) Patio lantern...

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Copyright The Gazette 2001