Volume 95, Issue 12

Thursday, September 20, 2001
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Time to trust our government

Nurturning your grey mound of flesh

Nurturning your grey mound of flesh

The man from Nantucket
Colin Butler
Managing Editor

As an old hand in my fourth year of this intellectual tour of duty we call Western, I know a thing or two about how stuff works around here.

As a veteran who has suffered from often violent episodes of total psychological breakdown due, in part, to the stultifying effect that some required courses have on the brain, I advise you to balance your time table.

Make sure you don't overburden that little, grey mound of flesh that calls your noggin home.

Take it for a walk.

Give it some air.

Take some electives.

They make learning a little more fun and they can keep your area of concentration from getting too hectic. Plus, they provide ample napping time for a young student on the go.

Being the gentleman I am, I've already taken the liberty of going through the academic calendar and have selected an eclectic mixture of electives which will pepper any schedule with a little more spice:

Sociology 202A: Hulkamania: A Sociological Study

Students will be introduced to the cereal, philosophy and various catch phrases of Hulk Hogan. They will study Hulkamania as a phenomenon and social movement throughout the '80s, paying particular attention to the Hulkster's earth shattering rivalries with King Kong Bundy and Rowdy Roddie Piper. Students will write one essay, two exams, rip their shirts off menacingly during the appropriate theme music and body slam the professor.

History 077E: The Impact of Gary Coleman on Humanity

Pupils will chart the rise and fall of Gary Coleman from Different Strokes in the '80s to his recent claim for bankruptcy in the early 21st century. This course pays particular attention to Coleman's relationship with Richard Nixon, who is said to have been inspiration for Coleman's wise-cracking character from the 'hood, Arnold on Different Strokes. Students are required to write two essays entirely on bar napkins, construct one life-size model of Gary Coleman and stuff their crotches with bread crumbs.

Film 701: An inquiry into Hee-Haw

This course follows the history, religious convictions and social commentary found in Hee-Haw. Throughout the course, students will examine the Brechtian commentaries which underscore many of the masterpiece show's vignettes. From the plight of the social parasite, as characterized by Uncle Jeb, to the philosophical question of whether the shine bottle is half-empty, half-full or if the drinker has just gone blind. Students will be required to start smoking a corn cob pipe, marry a sibling and blow up one "still."

English 312: Shakespeare and Biggie Smalls: Same Guy?

This course sets out to prove that Shakespeare and Biggie Smalls were actually the same person. Students will compare their writings, rhyme schemes and the method in which they dropped their beats. Though Time Travel 201 is not required, it is a recommended prerequisite for this course. Students will write two term essays and two raps, murder several members of rival gangs and raise one child using Shakespearean rant as the only language at home.

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Copyright The Gazette 2001