Volume 95, Issue 14

Tuesday, September 25, 2001
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Editorial Board 2001-2002

A few predictions of our own

Editorial Cartoon

A few predictions of our own

We nerds at The Gazette were so tickled by Psychic Bob's sage predictions on the future of campus and its personalities, we decided to do a little prognosticating ourselves.

We felt this was an important point of coverage, so we put some of our best people in charge – three interns, a robot made of Kleenex boxes and a slice of bacon. As they looked into the murky depths of their crystal ball, smeared with inky fingerprints, they discovered a strange series of events that will inevitably shake our lives to their very foundations. Here is what they found:

French to unveil secret weapon in fight against terrorism. The French Armed Forces will be sending their secret weapon into the current war on terrorism: French knight and Western president, Paul Davenport. Davenport, an economics professor, will lecutre terrorists on the circular flow of income, a lower GDP based on budget deficits and read from Brian Bosworth's autobiography, The Boz. Geneva will later ban the new hideous form of warfare as a crime against humanity.

Masses tune into TV Western. In an unexpected turn of events, people begin watching TV Western en masse – normally a phenomenon reserved for international crisis or time of war. Reasons for watching include the station's excellent audio quality, brilliant programming and dynamic coverage. In other news – pigs fly.

USC to lose millions in botched Operation: Humungo. In lieu of the failure of Operation: Massive, the University Students' Council will throw another party, Operation: Humungo. The undertaking will prove to be an even greater failure, costing millions of dollars in students' funds. They try even harder next year with the first annual Money Burning Festival. AKA TV Western.

Québec and Texas form one country: Québexas. The new republic will be the first in history where citizens have gunracks in cars they cannot drive.

CentreSpot begins trading meals for students' internal organs. In a bold, mob-style move, CentreSpot will revolutionize the extortion racket at Western by accepting students' internal organs as payment for meals. Good organs will be sold on the black market. Bad organs will be the mystery meat found in wontons.

Western first university in Canada to open Tent City. Because of the backlog in residences all over campus, administration has planned to open the newest residence, Tent City. The residence features squalid, hell hole-like conditions with a "third-world ambiance." The alternate name, Mulroneytown, will be rejected by administration due to the residence's remarkable similarity to the former prime minister's reputation.

Rick McGhie will form Rage Against the Machine cover band. McGhie will toss aside his folky cover tunes in exchange for an edgier, ass kicking and harder sound. The act will reach its crescendo when McGhie bites off the head of JW, the Mustangs' mascot, Ozzy-style.

Hotdog lady wins USC presidency by landslide. Well-known Western entrepreneur, the Hotdog Lady, wins her bid for USC president on the campaign promise: "Hot beef injections for all!"

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