Volume 95, Issue 16

Thursday, September 27, 2001
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Decision making 101

Duty to help

A horrible thing

No need to cry, we're being progressive

Western: land of VDs, essays and booze

A world full on conspiracies?

The little red watch that could

A world full on conspiracies?

Judge Dreds
Grant Donaldson
Graphics Editor

Deception and controversy await you around every turn.

Corrupt people and corporations attempt to hide the truth from the populace on a daily basis.

The following are just two conspiracies I feel should be brought to the public's attention.

Sweet, sweet Tim Horton's:

How many times have you reached the bottom of your refreshingly caffeinated cup of THC (Tim Horton's Coffee) or tea, only to find a mouthful of molar-shattering sugar?

A simple swirl of a stir stick would more than correct this dilemma, yet every cup remains as sludgy as the last.

Why is that? The answer is simple: there's no money in a beverage that fully satisfies the palate.

The fact you can only make it halfway through your drink before feeling forced to make a dental appointment forces you to purchase another drink in order to attain your desired caffeine level.

You could take it upon yourself to stir the drink personally, but alas, the stir sticks are stealthily tucked away beneath the countertop. It seems like just another way the man keeps you down.

My only advice in avoiding this evil plot – consume your coffee or tea black, like a real man (or woman).

Inspector Gadget is Dr. Claw:

Let's recap the situation: Inspector Gadget, a cyborg crime fighter bungles every case, yet the day is saved again and again by a pint-sized sleuth named Penny – I think not!

Would Children's Aid really allow a young girl to live with a robotic secret agent? What investor would provide the amount of funding needed for Gadget's technology to a failing and bungling inspector?

These situations seem highly unlikely.

The following is what I believe is really happening in this farce of a cartoon.

Penny, abused at home and suffering deep emotional scars as a result, is taken in by her uncle, a brilliant and highly decorated criminal investigator.

Seeing the low self-esteem and suicidal tendencies inherent in Penny, Gadget uses his influence in the FBI to create an elaborate plot to rebuild her shattered ego.

Using a computer book tied into the government's mainframe to provide the necessary clues to solve each case, along with talented actors and actresses who always happen to let Penny escape, Gadget allows his niece to continually foil the intricate schemes of the forever hidden and deep-pocketed Dr. Claw.

Don't you think the Inspector might have a claw hidden amongst his arsenal?

In short, keep questioning all that surrounds you, for you never know what twisted plot you may find yourself caught up in.

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Copyright The Gazette 2001