Volume 95, Issue 16

Thursday, September 27, 2001
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Balls, birdies and bodyslams

The dog days of summer

The Gambling Man

Editors note: the gambling man is a wily and unpredictable character who will periodically make an appearance in The Gazette sports section.

He is a man of wicked debauchery who enjoys overindulging in life's pleasures and sin. Despite his love for absinthe, cheap cigars and kite flying, his chief passion lies in games of chance. His periodic ramblings and predictions on the world of pro-sports should not be taken seriously – for he remains a very poor man.

Predictions made after one drink

Indianapolis @ New England

San Diego must still be having nightmares over their decision to draft Ryan Leaf over Colt quarterback Peyton Manning. Manning is a football god. Leaf is a petulant, alcoholic, unemployed deadbeat. Although I admire his drinking prowess...

Pick: Colts

Dallas @ Philadelphia

When I find myself in times of sorrow, I think about Cowboys owner and renowned asshole Jerry Jones writhing in agony because his team sucks the big wazoo. Try it – it makes you smile.

Pick: Philadelphia

Predictions made after five drinks

Pittsburgh @ Buffalo

Sacked. Sacked. Sacked. Sacked. Hey, Rob Johnson? Remember that lucky bandanna your mom gave you, the one she said would give you magical powers? This just in – your mom was a lie-filled nutcase.

Pick: Buffalo

Baltimore @ Denver

Have you ever seen a horse break-dance, speak in Latin and then devour a small, black-winged bird? If your answer is no, I have two words for you – try acid.

Pick: Denver

After fifteen drinks

Kansas City @ Washington

My 83-year-old oma could trample both of these teams combined. Rock on oma, rock on.

Pick: Gambling Man's oma

Tampa Bay @ Minnesota

The Bucs barely beat Dallas in week one and at 0-2, the Vikings' ship is sinking fast. Hmmmmm. Vikings wear horned helmets; pirates wear eye patches. My conclusion: eye patches kick ass.

Pick: Tampa Bay

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Copyright The Gazette 2001