Volume 95, Issue 5

Friday, September 7, 2001
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A&E: Good for you, me and the kids

Shakin' your money maker at campus bars

Warning: mallrats need not apply

So you like thespians, do you?

Froshoscopes: a peek into your fantastic futures

Radio + Relevance - top 40 = CHRW

Nine out of 10 artsies agree: art rocks

Venues, menus, clubs and pubs

Fraternities & Sororities: think before you rush

Froshoscopes: a peek into your fantastic futures

By Dale Wyatt
Gazette Staff

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
As you enter a new stage in life, you find yourself confronted with many fears. Unlucky for you, they all come true, except for the monster under your bed – that's just your parents trying to scare you.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will soon find yourself receiving a great deal of money. No wait, that's the university after receiving your tuition. Sorry.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Remember those scary dreams you used to have that spawned your overwhelming fear of sleeping? Good news – you find you have no time for sleep anyway so have another beer.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A Leo plays a short, late night role on Friday. Then a Virgo and a Gemini together on Saturday, a Pisces on Sunday, a different, hotter Leo from Monday to Wednesday, ultimately followed by an Aries on Thursday who turns out to be your English T.A.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
People begin to fear you when, after being rejected one too many times, you decide to dress up your right hand and go on a date.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will soon drop out of school as you find yourself devoting every waking hour to reading The Gazette. You silly, silly fool.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You find yourself in an embarrassing situation after going to class wearing nothing but a thong only to learn that BETA SUCKA MA ASSA is not a real Greek society.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You have so many friends, girls and boys adore you, your athletic ability is unmatched, but that's only back in North Wankerville, Ontario where you were born and raised. Too bad you're at Western now where you're nothing more than a number.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your first couple of months are rough, but by December you finally find out what's causing that horrific, eye-watering smell in your residence room and only then do you get some sleep.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Your plans to avoid sex, drugs and alcohol go really well. On the downside however, the plan only lasts for three minutes and after that, it's all downhill.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Terrible thoughts of whether your high school sweetheart is cheating on you or not at his/her cross-province university pop into your head. You shake these thoughts away and continue screwing, uh, uh, what's their face?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Everywhere you go you are faced with weird glances and people running in horror. You finally realize that it's because Pisces is a fish, dumbass. Get back in the water!

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