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Bitch List: Five w's of the last great art
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Can you say Operation Massive?
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Bitch List: Five w's of the last great art
By Chris Lackner
It doesn't matter who you are.
It doesn't matter where you're from.
It doesn't matter what you like.
It doesn't matter what you hate.
Since the very concept of higher education entered our beloved, knowledge-hungry culture, each generation of students have consistently refined their supreme mastery and eternal love of one bold craft.
It's not reading. It's not writing. Surprisingly, it's not drinking or getting laid either. It's bitching.
Learn to love it ladies and gentlemen; if done effectively, it can be a consistent ally throughout your life.
Without further useless banter, The Gazette presents its annual Bitch List.
These are the head-honchos inside and outside the Western community who might deserve a helpful hint, a hard kick in the ass or some pure, unabated wrath from the student community.
Let's start at the top. You're not going to move mountains by kicking pebbles. Call and chat it up with Western president and recently anointed French Knight, Dr. Paul Davenport. He's a good guy and he earns a six-figure salary.
He might enjoy talking about the latest Ally MacBeal episode, his love of slaying dragons or his passion for long, star-lit walks on the beach. If Western's chief administrator is too busy for some one on one on the ol' telemaphone, stop by his ritzy fancy-pants office at Room 113 in the Stevenson Lawson Building, or e-mail him at email@example.com.
By the way, the quickest way to Paulie's heart is through his love of Pizza Hut.
Did the university screw up the scholarship they promised you? Are you looking for financial aid to help pay the rent or satisfy your heroin addiction? Do you want to complain about your nightmarish experience with Western's online registration system? Give a ring-a-ding-ding to Dr. Roma Harris, Western's vice-provost and registrar at 661-3554.
Is residence life giving you the blues? Is it just not the home away from home you wistfully imagined? Whether you think there are not enough taco nights in the cafeteria or your residence advisor is sleeping with your roommate, her 14-year-old sister and her cougar-esque grandmother, punch in the number 661-3549.
You'll get to converse with Susan Grindrod, senior director of Housing & Ancillary Services. She'll explode with tears of joy when she hears stories about your roommate who keeps pickled eyeballs in the freezer or the residence vending machine that swallowed fifteen of your quarters. You might make a life-long friend out of the deal.
Dave Riddell is the boss of bosses in the campus world of Physical Plant and Capital Planning Services. Is snow piled up along the main pathways outside your residence during the winter? Do the bathrooms on campus look like a Mexican crack house? Dave wants to know about it all; call him at 661-2111 ext. 88898.
Steve Alb is the newly crowned director of the BookStore, located on the lower-floor of the University Community Centre. Were your course books supposed to be available four weeks ago? Did the guy at the information booth tell you the shipment was stranded somewhere in Siberia? Are you a little miffed at the 13 page book that just cost you $250? Give Mr. Alb a call at 661-3520 or e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org, but go easy on him he's new.
If you'd like an avid workout for your evolving bitching skills why not call Mike Lawless, the affable president of the University Students' Council, at 661-2111 ext. 82607 or go up to Room 340 in the UCC and give him a piece of your mind. Mike is the official elected representative of all the undergraduate students at Western. He is rumoured to enjoy the banjo, fresh pasta, smiling and over-using words like "passion" and "heart" during election campaigns. If you have any problem with any USC run service or lame-duck event held on campus please give Mike an earful.
If you want to extend your bitching to the world beyond the Western bubble, please give regards to London's Mayor, Anne Marie DeCicco at 661-4920 or at home at 686-0155. Complain about anything! She loves giving middle-of-the-road, non-committal, non-confrontational, candy-laced responses.
Why stop at the municipal level? Give a call to our "right," "honorable" Premier Mike Harris. If he's not too busy golfing with his bourgeois buddies, holding corporate ass-kissing party fund-raisers or pissing on the downtrodden, he can be reached at 416-325-1941.
If Uncle Mike is unavailable, there's always one of his local lackeys, our own Member of Provincial Parliament for London North, as well as Minister for Training, Colleges and Universities, Dianne Cunningham, at 432-7339. Quick hint: she'll love answering questions about Tory cuts to university funding, rising tuition costs and student debt.
When you are done bitching at the rich, powerful and egomaniacal, give The Gazette a call at 661-3580 or e-mail us at email@example.com. We love complainers.