Volume 95, Issue 67

Friday, February 1, 2002

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New England ready to be Rammed

Birthday boy celebrates with a bang

Praying to the puck gods

The World of Mustang

New England ready to be Rammed

The Rams will be winning and capitalists everywhere are grinning - the Super Bowl is upon us kids.

We at Gazette Sports have determined that since Canada's version of the big game, la Coupe Gris, is much more entertaining than America's football showcase, this year we need to dig a little deeper. Sure, we'll give you the usual rhetoric about turnovers and execution, but the truth is the Patriots are going to get their asses handed to them.

Here then our take on how Super Bowl XXXVI in New Orleans can be a close game, or at least capture all the sin and drunken scandal of the host city.

Dave a soon-to-be-heartbroken minute man

Pick - Rams by 10

Overview - Although I will be wearing my Drew Bledsoe jersey with pride, cheering all out for my Patriots I still don't have enough faith in them to pull off the big upset. The Rams have a seemingly unfair advantage, boasting the league's Most Valuable Player in Kurt Warner and Offensive Player of the Year in Marshall Faulk.

They have also already proven themselves to be the "real deal" when it comes to handling the added Super Bowl pressure, winning the big game two years ago.

Key Factor - Win the turnover battle. It's always said that 'anything can happen' and, for the Pats to have any chance of this occurring, New England has to play almost a perfectly executed game. No turnovers and force St. Louis to make mistakes.

Super bowl Survival Tip - Alright, I'll admit there's quite a good chance of this Super Bowl will become a blowout, so you've got to create a game plan of your own to keep you watching the entire game from start to finish.

The answer? Drinking Games!

Make sure the score has nothing to do with how much you drink and, if need be, generalize your rules so that even team names don't matter ie: any big hit, any interception, etc.

If you're in a competitive mood split up your friends into two teams and create rules for each side i.e. one side drinks for runs under 10 yards and passes over 10 yards and vice-versa the other way (>10 yard run = gulp, < 10 yard pass = gulp)

Have fun, get imaginative and good luck getting to class Monday morning.

Ryan - possessed by the bitter ghost of Scott Norwood

Pick - Hell, even when they were the Los Angeles Rams they could have beaten the Pats - St. Louis by an absurd amount.

New England has a snowball's chance in New Orleans if..... they stop the trend of St. Louis getting points just for showing up. Brett Favre threw six interceptions against the Rams, Donovan McNabb fumbled on the first drive, last week, etc..

Spotting the Rams' points is a little like donating your OSAP to Mr. Burns. St. Louis will get points it's up to New England to make sure they earn every one of them.

How to put punch in this Bowl: U2, Britney Spears and Paul McCartney are all scheduled to compromise their integrity (that's different than virginity Britney) by performing at half-time, while the Patriots cry.

The key will be somehow convincing Bono that Justin Timberlake "dirty popped" his wife, forcing the U2 frontman to unleash his lucky Irish charms on Spears.

Britney, while devastated that Justin cheated on her, is also thrilled at the prospect of having a boyfriend whose entire name consists of only two syllables.

Before going onstage, McCartney is tipped off to the fact that the Super Bowl is single-handedly responsible for the consumption of four million pounds of beef and pork every hour by the suckers who watch this annual butchering.

Blinded by vegetarian rage, McCartney identifies Spears as the primary vendor of packaged meat in America and attacks her, wielding a wide variety of garden fresh veggies.

America's game turns into an age-old Irish/English battle, as it's now up to Bono to save his new princess in the name of love, of course.

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Copyright The Gazette 2001