Topple tuition Coast-to-Coast
Editorial Board 2001-2002
Topple tuition Coast-to-Coast
There's been lots of talk lately about high tuition rates and yet despite the long columns of granolas, socialists and other left-wing hooligans yelling at "the man" and his police cronies no one seems to be doing anything about it.
The Gazette, being the group of caring, snub-nosed, self-absorbed journalistic know-it-alls we are, decided to come up with plans for each of Canada's 10 provinces to lower tuition and put an end to all that left-wing belly aching.
Newfoundland How does a Newfie lower tuition? Most Newfoundlanders don't know they're too busy testing out screen doors on submarines, falling out of trees while raking the leaves or ice fishing at the local hockey arena. We decided anytime anyone in Canada makes a Newfie joke, a fine should be paid into a "Newfie joke jar," in the style of a swear jar, to subsidize university tuition in the province.
Prince Edward Island We weren't too sure, so we called on the Charlottetown area's local know-it-all and erotic dancer, farmer Ted. He had no real answers, but he charmed us all by throwing potatoes and lobsters at us and talking about Anne of Green Gables and red dirt.
Nova Scotia The Alexander Keith's Scholarship Fund will subsidize university tuition through alcohol sales. Students will receive a dollar off tuition for every six-pack purchased, empties can be traded in at the registrar's office for credit. Let the studying *hic* begin!
New Brunswick In the spirit of Where's Waldo?, students who can locate 'Old Brunswick' get their tuition paid in full. Or, for those less geographically-inclined, prospective students who can name anything of note about New Brunswick will receive a full bursary from the provincial government.
Québec New work/study programs at Club Super Sex and Le Monde du Sex should help students find much-needed cash for school.
Ontario Get rid of the Tories. 'Nuff said.
Manitoba Students will have new, non-cash based payment options, including acorns, winning "paper, rock, scissors" with the registrar's office or by telling tall tales of "how cold it gets here in the wintertime."
Saskatchewan Rename the University of Regina by replacing the "R" with a "V." Male students will flock in unseen numbers to attend the University of Vegina.
Alberta The only possible way to lower tuition in this province would have to involve a drunken Ralph Klein yelling at the homeless until they all get jobs and start paying taxes, which can then be used to fund universities. Also, declaring your hatred for Trudeau, Toronto or bilingualism would be considered an alternate form of payment.
British Columbia Our staff went around Vancouver asking how tuition could be lowered. The only respondent took his joint out of his mouth and said, "tuition? Man, that sounds funny." Who needs lower tuition in B.C. when you have your own multi-million dollar grow-op?