Volume 95, Issue 55

Thursday, January 10, 2002
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The Gazette's ultimate guide to addictions

Smoking - what a drag

Mmmm... Coffeeeee

Don't gamble away your life savings

I love Magnum P.I.

Don't get too pumped

Marajuana is not addictive

The myth of the bottomless mug

New Year's resolutions

New Year's resolutions

New Year's resolutions – whoever began this yearly ritual should be dragged out into the street and shot.

Somewhere between drinking gallons of champagne and the token midnight kiss with an ugly stranger, we make ourselves little promises to become better people in the coming year.

Some of us promise to cut back on Jack Daniels, some plan to quit their worship of the leafy tobacco god and many of us plan to shed a few inches from our waistline.

Without further ado, The Gazette presents New Year's resolutions for important figures around Western, Canada and the world.

Western President and French knight Paul Davenport: to begin his own quest for the fabled Holy Grail. On the homefront – no more jousting at Board of Governors meetings. Remember, it's all fun and games until VP-academic Greg Moran loses an eye.

The naked masturbator: no more whacking off. Unfortunately, sources say everyone's favorite newsmaker could only hold his pledge for the first five minutes of 2002. Still, he allegedly remains optimistic, having set a personal record.

USC president Mike Lawless: to abandon the USC and its "pretend government" for the glamorous life of a railway hobo.

American President George "Dubya" Bush: to uphold a long-held personal promise and finally figure out what clouds are made of.

Osama bin Laden: to attempt an image makeover by dying his beard orange and cutting it in the ZZ Top style ('cause who doesn't love ZZ Top?).

Former Canadian Alliance leader and current leadership candidate Stockwell Day: to build friendships and political support with people who aren't white, religious nut-jobs.

Prime Minister Jean Chretien: to properly learn one of Canada's two official languages.

Pauly Shore: due to the successful comebacks of Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson and Mario Lemieux, the long forgotten comedy genius has vowed to make it back into the limelight (at which point he will hopefully be pelted by rocks and eaten by small, rabid rodents).

Britney Spears: to hook up with her hunky Pepsi commercial co-star, United States Senator Bob Dole.

Wendy's founder Dave Thomas: to lead a healthier lifestyle (whoops – too late).

The Crocodile Hunter: to stop poking and antagonizing animals that can rip him in two in mere seconds.

Ontario Premier Mike Harris: to kick a few more of the downtrodden on his way out the leadership door

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Copyright The Gazette 2002