Volume 95, Issue 62

Wednesday, January 23, 2002
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So I says to the oncoming train...

Strap on your helmet and walk

Strap on your helmet and walk

Judge Dreds
Grand Donaldson
Graphics Editor

While I watch my hard-earned tuition money being squandered on such useless crap as gardens, a new stadium and TV Western, I also appreciate the few luxuries five grand gets you these days.

The greatest gift a poor student like me can receive is the right to ride the chariot of the people anywhere I please by merely flashing a little purple piece of paper.

I am, of course, talking about my London Transit Commission bus pass.

The school gives bus passes out to any fool with a full-time student card, but, lately I've been thinking some students should have their passes revoked just as quickly as they were given them.

There are a number of situations in which I would love to see LTC drivers – in a shocking abuse of authority – tear up a bus pass and push the owner down the stairs and out the door.

The following are a few types of riders who commit the travesties I witness on the Richmond 6 every day. I offer my views in hopes these fools will change their ways, regardless of what route they ride.

The Gumshoes: I'm not referring to private dicks here, but instead, those who stand like statues while the front third of the bus fills up. I cannot honestly believe you're too busy gawking at the slimy pole that you've got your claws around to walk back five or six feet.

The Two-Seaters: I don't care if you've got a Ming vase in your bag that you're taking to your sick grandma – if there's people standing, get your goddamn backpack off the seat! My legs are tired – your bags aren't!

The Inquisition: These people decide to ask the driver 50,000 questions about the route, the history of London, their thoughts on Jesus and who knows what else, while others are still standing in slush.

I'm not talking about a simple question, I'm referring to the people conducting in-depth interviews with the driver. Show your pass now – ask questions later.

North of Victoria Street: Those of you who ride the 6 route know about Victoria Street, but every route has its version of these folks. I swear on my comic book collection I once saw a man ride the bus from Elgin Hall to the Natural Sciences building.

If this were the movie Seven, you people would have 'sloth' written on your forehead, be fed pasta 'till you burst and have your bus pass revoked for life.

Unless you have broken legs, there's no way you need to squeeze onto an already packed bus when the walk would take a tortoise less than 10 minutes. And don't give me the "I can't walk well in my new boots" bit. I don't care if your shoes match your bag, match your hair, match your fat, lazy ass – get a helmet and walk!

I'm sure that upon further reflection I could write an epic novel on the LTC bus routes, but now is not the time or place. Just remember that when your cell phone rings and you feel the need to shout into your cyborg companion about what some dreamy boy was wearing today, I'll be right behind you... waiting to set your bus pass ablaze.

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Copyright The Gazette 2001