Our picks for president
Editorial Board 2001-2002
Our picks for president
Sadly, this year's University Students' Council presidential race is
shaping up to be one of the least interesting campus political races of
the past few years.
This unfortunate development has left us here at The Gazette to put on our
thinking caps, give our noggins a floggin' and tell you what candidates
would make this election a battle you would never forget.
The Hotdog Lady: Also known as "La femme saucisse." Aside from her
glowing charisma and culinary skills, it would be nice to see a female
candidate who can break up the 'sausage party' the USC presidential race
has become in the past few years.
Puppies: They're adorable, cute and often harmless. Like past USC
presidents, they chase their tails all day long, eat various things lying
on the ground and whiz all over the place. Unlike past USC presidents,
everyone loves puppies.
VP-student affairs Wes Brown: No one said you had to be good at
football to be president.
The "W"-boys and "W"-girls collective: All 24 together just might
be smart enough to run a campaign. However, all 24 together might also be
smart enough to put down their babies, curl their pouty lips into a sneer
and beat us all up [please don't hurt us].
The clap: Cons: it sucks to call it your own, plus it itches. Pros:
it's fun to say.
Amy Gehring: She seems to be "in touch" with the young people. She
sounds really genuine and it's not like she's there just to jerk students
around. For more information on this candidate, see also "the clap." [Ed:
Okay, we lied in our last editorial, but forbidden is funny.]
Western basketball player Andy Kwiatkowski: Because he'll "slam
dunk" the competition! [Ed: this joke is not the opinion of The Gazette's
editorial board. If you think this joke sucks too, dial 661-2111 ext.
82629 and tell Matt Pearson he should keep his day job.]
Psychic Bob: The Gazette's own psychic would only run if he knew
The Recombobulator: That cute little contraption has all the right
answers. Albeit, most of the answers are made up – just like a real USC
Duane Baxter: "Du," we miss you already – you make really good
copy. Plus, the USC's budget makes the SSSC's look like grade school math
– think of how much more money you could lose.
Presitron 2002: The Gazette's very own robot candidate built out of
empty beer bottles, old press releases and some plutonium we had lying
around. While it's not kissing babies, kissing ass or kissing
VP-administration Peter Mercer, it'll be travelling through time to try
and terminate the saviour of humanity just like Terminator 2. Man, Arnold
Schwartzenegger was pretty cool in that movie.