Volume 95, Issue 65

Tuesday, January 29, 2002

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Our picks for president

Editorial Cartoon

Editorial Board 2001-2002

Our picks for president

Sadly, this year's University Students' Council presidential race is shaping up to be one of the least interesting campus political races of the past few years.

This unfortunate development has left us here at The Gazette to put on our thinking caps, give our noggins a floggin' and tell you what candidates would make this election a battle you would never forget.

The Hotdog Lady: Also known as "La femme saucisse." Aside from her glowing charisma and culinary skills, it would be nice to see a female candidate who can break up the 'sausage party' the USC presidential race has become in the past few years.

Puppies: They're adorable, cute and often harmless. Like past USC presidents, they chase their tails all day long, eat various things lying on the ground and whiz all over the place. Unlike past USC presidents, everyone loves puppies.

VP-student affairs Wes Brown: No one said you had to be good at football to be president.

The "W"-boys and "W"-girls collective: All 24 together just might be smart enough to run a campaign. However, all 24 together might also be smart enough to put down their babies, curl their pouty lips into a sneer and beat us all up [please don't hurt us].

The clap: Cons: it sucks to call it your own, plus it itches. Pros: it's fun to say.

Amy Gehring: She seems to be "in touch" with the young people. She sounds really genuine and it's not like she's there just to jerk students around. For more information on this candidate, see also "the clap." [Ed: Okay, we lied in our last editorial, but forbidden is funny.]

Western basketball player Andy Kwiatkowski: Because he'll "slam dunk" the competition! [Ed: this joke is not the opinion of The Gazette's editorial board. If you think this joke sucks too, dial 661-2111 ext. 82629 and tell Matt Pearson he should keep his day job.]

Psychic Bob: The Gazette's own psychic would only run if he knew he'd win.

The Recombobulator: That cute little contraption has all the right answers. Albeit, most of the answers are made up just like a real USC president.

Duane Baxter: "Du," we miss you already you make really good copy. Plus, the USC's budget makes the SSSC's look like grade school math think of how much more money you could lose.

Presitron 2002: The Gazette's very own robot candidate built out of empty beer bottles, old press releases and some plutonium we had lying around. While it's not kissing babies, kissing ass or kissing VP-administration Peter Mercer, it'll be travelling through time to try and terminate the saviour of humanity just like Terminator 2. Man, Arnold Schwartzenegger was pretty cool in that movie.

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