Volume 95, Issue 66

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

Search the Archives:

Tips for searching

Campus and Culture
Submit Letter
Contact Us
About the Gazette


Sleeping giant decimates York

Sports Briefs

"Let's get ready to rumble - this is the main event of the year"

"Let's get ready to rumble - this is the main event of the year"

For whom the bell tolls
Jordan Bell
Sports Editor

With the University Students' Council elections on the horizon, competition is running rampant on campus.

Gazette sports realizes that not all students are interested in student politics, so we have compiled a list of athletic duels we would love to witness.

Let's be honest – why should we care about student politicians anyway? They just lose our money and lie on their résumé – our form of entertainment actually delivers.

Jousting match: French knight Paul Davenport versus Russell Crowe

Davenport and Crowe suit up for a classic duel. Crowe was damn impressive as General Maximus in Gladiator, but how can you vote against a French knight?

Prediction: Unfortunately, the Western faithful is shocked when Davenport, seemingly preoccupied with other matters (ie. student politicians who can't count), is decimated by the wily Crowe. The Gazette is liquidated as a result of the stunning defeat. How can we survive without our beloved French knight as fodder for our running gags?

100 metre dash: Amy Gehring versus Donovan Bailey

The sprint seems a little unfair at first glance – that is, until we place a flock of schoolboys at the finish line.

Prediction: Even the former 'world's fastest human' can't hope to win this duel.

Football: The Gazette versus the University Students' Council

Nevermind, this contest has already been decided. Note to Wes Brown: check the scoreboard, bitch.

Boxing: Mike Tyson versus Marv Albert

I would actually pay the ludicrous pay-per-view charge to witness this fight. Tyson would finally enter the ring with someone who is almost as screwed up as him. The fight would begin with a few pleasantries, but eventually they would get down to the meat and potatoes or, in this case, lips and asses.

Prediction: Tyson amazingly knocks out Albert when the bitin' broadcaster attempts to remove a highly vital organ. So that's why Tyson's voice is so high.

One-on-one basketball: Jimmy Grozelle versus Jimmy Chipwood from Hoosiers

These Jimmys take us back to the glory days of basketball when fundamentals actually meant something. Grozelle may be pint-sized, however, he makes defenders wish they were never born.

He has valiant opposition with Gene Hackman's prodigy child.

Prediction: Grozelle comes away victorious when his band of Ivey hooligans penetrate Chipwood's supposed "impenetrable psyche" and his dead-eye shooting goes astray.

Tennis: Anna Kournikova versus Anna Kournikova

Do you even have to ask?

Chess match: "W"-boys versus "W"-girls

Can't you just imagine the sight of these fragile psyches trying to move 'the little wooden pieces' around a chess board.

Prediction: It's just too hard to predict the outcome of this one. The Gazette decides to ease the burden on the pin-up's precious brain cells and switch the competition to checkers.

Take no offense "W"-boys and "W"-girls, I'm just a nerdy, jealous writer who hasn't gone through puberty yet.

Editor's Note: for more information on Jordan's quest for pubes, life, the universe or anything, call him at 661-2111 ext. 83504.

To Contact The Sports Department:

Copyright © The Gazette 2001