"Let's get ready to rumble - this is the main event of
For whom the bell tolls
With the University Students' Council elections on the horizon,
competition is running rampant on campus.
Gazette sports realizes that not all students are interested in student
politics, so we have compiled a list of athletic duels we would love to
Let's be honest – why should we care about student politicians anyway?
They just lose our money and lie on their résumé – our form of
entertainment actually delivers.
Jousting match: French knight Paul Davenport versus Russell Crowe
Davenport and Crowe suit up for a classic duel. Crowe was damn impressive
as General Maximus in Gladiator, but how can you vote against a French
Prediction: Unfortunately, the Western faithful is shocked when Davenport,
seemingly preoccupied with other matters (ie. student politicians who
can't count), is decimated by the wily Crowe. The Gazette is liquidated as
a result of the stunning defeat. How can we survive without our beloved
French knight as fodder for our running gags?
100 metre dash: Amy Gehring versus Donovan Bailey
The sprint seems a little unfair at first glance – that is, until we place
a flock of schoolboys at the finish line.
Prediction: Even the former 'world's fastest human' can't hope to win this
Football: The Gazette versus the University Students' Council
Nevermind, this contest has already been decided. Note to Wes Brown: check
the scoreboard, bitch.
Boxing: Mike Tyson versus Marv Albert
I would actually pay the ludicrous pay-per-view charge to witness this
fight. Tyson would finally enter the ring with someone who is almost as
screwed up as him. The fight would begin with a few pleasantries, but
eventually they would get down to the meat and potatoes or, in this case,
lips and asses.
Prediction: Tyson amazingly knocks out Albert when the bitin' broadcaster
attempts to remove a highly vital organ. So that's why Tyson's voice is so
One-on-one basketball: Jimmy Grozelle versus Jimmy Chipwood from
These Jimmys take us back to the glory days of basketball when
fundamentals actually meant something. Grozelle may be pint-sized,
however, he makes defenders wish they were never born.
He has valiant opposition with Gene Hackman's prodigy child.
Prediction: Grozelle comes away victorious when his band of Ivey hooligans
penetrate Chipwood's supposed "impenetrable psyche" and his dead-eye
shooting goes astray.
Tennis: Anna Kournikova versus Anna Kournikova
Do you even have to ask?
Chess match: "W"-boys versus "W"-girls
Can't you just imagine the sight of these fragile psyches trying to move
'the little wooden pieces' around a chess board.
Prediction: It's just too hard to predict the outcome of this one. The
Gazette decides to ease the burden on the pin-up's precious brain cells
and switch the competition to checkers.
Take no offense "W"-boys and "W"-girls, I'm just a nerdy, jealous writer
who hasn't gone through puberty yet.
Editor's Note: for more information on Jordan's quest for pubes, life, the
universe or anything, call him at 661-2111 ext. 83504.