Hockey's version of the "good ol' boys" going down in six
Lest we forget "slamma jamma"
Hide your children
Hide your children
Tyson "is comin' to town"
Thank your lucky stars you don't live in the US, where boxer Mike Tyson roams free fornicating with women, threatening to eat people's children and beating the snot out of hapless motorists.
The enigma that is Tyson will face-off with former Canadian and heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis this Saturday in Memphis, Tennessee. Many don't give Tyson a prayer let alone a chance.
Tyson is a washed-up boxer, but modern boxing isn't really about who can throw the quickest jab or dodge the fastest bullet it's about entertainment.
Millions of people will call up their local cable operator this weekend myself included and pay the asinine $54.95 pay-per-view charge to witness the next Tyson debacle. Will he make like Jaws and rip Lewis' arm off? Will he Donkey Kong throw the referee into the stands?
It's all up for grabs when the scariest man this side of Adolf Hitler and Osama bin Laden steps into the ring.
I myself have always wondered if Tyson is perhaps a genius, pulling all the right strings like a master puppeteer. Maybe he realizes all of humanity is thirsty for nasty violence and out-of-this-world insanity.
Maybe Tyson understands the human psyche and gives the world what they want to see. If we can watch it from a distance, we can feel secure in knowing that we aren't as completely screwed up as this devil incarnate on television.
But maybe we are.
Does the fact that we watch a boxer who was great a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away act out his insanity on TV prove that men are, as German playwright George Buchner once said, "puppets on strings worked by unknown forces"?
It's a definite possibility, but still I yearn for the days of Rocky Balboa, when a pint-sized lad would knock the begeezus out of a monster Russian with both men dueling like gladiators until they could stand no longer.
Yet, I still quickly opened my Sports Illustrated last week when the publication ran a feature story on Tyson (who seemingly has the proverbial devil perched on one shoulder and the angel on the other) and his constant fight for either blood and insanity or what might be the true essence of the sport of boxing.
Nonetheless, the Tyson/Lewis fight will be packed with glamour and hype. Somebody will win, but does the result really matter?
Afterwards we will all be thankful our kids are safely under their covers, our daughters are still innocent and our appetite for debauchery has been satisfied.
But soon enough Tyson, the figure we all hate yet always watch will do something only he is capable of and intrigue us once again.
I hear Osama is heavily training in the caves of Afghanistan.