Volume 96, Issue 3

Thursday, June 6, 2002
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Dream degree recipients

Editorial Cartoon

Editorial Board 2002-2003

Dream degree recipients

This week Western celebrated its 278th convocation, thrusting over 5,400 graduates into the all-too-frightening "real" world. Keeping with tradition, Western bestowed honorary degrees upon various notable individuals from the scientific, political, academic and artistic community.

With that in mind, The Gazette proudly presents our recommendations for honorary degree recipients at the 279th convocation while making note of the graduating speeches each individual is likely to present to the students in attendance.

Jean Chrétien: our beloved prime minister (receiving his honoris coruptus) could speak of the intangible qualities today's graduates need to attain future success, such as the ability to sleep at night despite a complete lack of ethics, the ability to trample rivals at any cost and the inability to speak any language successfully.

Mike Tyson: the former heavyweight champion could receive Western's first and only honoris earbitus degree for his legendary ring tactics. During convocation, Tyson could speak of his love of eating babies, fornicating with woman and mumble incoherently about being misunderstood.

Mr. T: the former star of the legendary television show The A-Team would fly into a rant that he pitied the fools in the audience who have wasted more than $40,000 dollars on a degree that will likely do little more than earn them a job at the local Wal-Mart.

Yoda: the all-powerful, all-knowing Jedi master would break from his words of wisdom and challenge Western president Paul Davenport to a duel. The epic battle would reach an early conclusion with the French knight mistaking Yoda for a leprechaun, pinning the green Jedi to the ground and demanding "take me to your pot of gold, you will."

God/Satan: these cosmic enemies would make for great duel recipients and speakers. The Almighty Lord would likely address the majority of graduates on the merits of morality, tolerance and altruism. Satan would make an excellent speaker for a class of graduates from the Richard Ivey School of Business – he could lecture on the merits of making a quick buck, stabbing other people in the back, trampling the weak and lacking all empathy for one's fellow man.

The Pope: Upon realizing all the "boys" in the room are well over the age of 20 – as opposed to under the sweet and tender age of nine – the venerable head of the Catholic priesthood would shock the audience by abruptly cutting short his speech and leaving the ceremony.

Matt Groening: The attending graduates would bow down to The Simpsons creator, acknowledging he has single-handedly taught students everything they ever really needed to know.

Cheech and Chong: Two comments – diplomas on hemp paper and the "hot-boxing" of Alumni Hall.

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