Volume 95, Issue 88

Wednesday, March 20, 2002
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In the ring

Editorial Cartoon

Editorial Board 2001-2002

In the ring

This weekend, Wrestlemania X8 in Toronto was one of the biggest and best of all time, delighting fans with a number of epic battles.

The Gazette's staff however, feels that a number of grudge matches are to be resolved. Here is a short list of showdowns we would have liked to see at Wrestlemania X8, as well as their likely outcomes.

George "Dubya" Bush vs. Osama bin Laden

Bush, fat from suckling at the teet of capitalism, immediately gains the upper hand on the sickly, cave-dwelling bin Laden. After being on the receiving end of a series of electric chair drops, bin Laden pulls a monkey wrench out of his beard and knocks Bush out cold. With the referee distracted, George Bush Sr. trades places with his son la the Killer Bees. Bush Sr. quickly locks bin Laden in his patented "read my lips"-lock and the mad bomber taps out.

Decision: Bush.

Drink Girls vs. Jim Bob's Girls:
Make-up Removal Match.

The bell sounds and both teams come out scrubbing. The Drink girls dominate early with the help of some CLR they found under the ring. The outlook seems grim for the Jim Bob's girls, with their foundation level down to a dangerous one inch, but then a cute frat boy walks by. In a surprising move, the Drink ladies begin applying more make-up and they eventually suffocate and pass out.

Decision: Jim Bob's Girls.

Yoko Ono vs. The Number Six

Coming off a winning streak against the numbers 1-5, Six is the odds-on favourite in this conceptual clash of the titans. Six pours it on early, as Ono has difficulty adjusting to her base-10 surroundings. Ono soon finds her voice and releases a shrill scream that busts up Six faster than The Beatles. Ono celebrates prematurely as Six mounts another attack, dousing her with a single plum, floating in a man's hat filled with perfume.

Decision: The Number Six.

My Dad vs. Your Dad:

My Dad could always beat up Your Dad.

Decision: My Dad.

The Western Football Team
Over the Top Rope Battle Royale

The fight rages for what seems like hours as the combatants are too padded to be hurt. The tide turns as Alexis Sanschagrin, disguised as a mild mannered intramural basketball player, snaps and lets loose a series of rights and lefts that clear the squared circle. As a result of his victory, Alexis earns a title shot at the upcoming Pay-Per-View event entitled "Anger Management."

Decision: Alexis Sanschagrin.

Paul Davenport vs. Your Wallet

The French knight starts out strong, but then your wallet tags in its partner Uncle OSAP. After a small change in momentum, Davenport rallies back and locks in his finishing hold. Unable to bear witness to Davenport's patented "Tuition Bill," your wallet once again throws in the towel.

Decision: Paul Davenport.

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Copyright The Gazette 2002