Volume 95, Issue 90

Friday, March 22, 2002
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Story proves the West Side is the best side

The Oscar crystal ball

Beatlemania hits campus

Naked food easy to swallow

The Oscar crystal ball

By Mark Polishuk
Gazette Staff

In a perfect world, everyone nominated would win an Oscar – here's what would happen if they did:

Best Director

- Robert Altman (Gosford Park): He personally thanks every actor in his movie; his speech is 47 minutes long.

- Ron Howard (A Beautiful Mind): In a sitcom crossover, Opie is joined on stage by the Fonz, who looks as cool as ever.

- Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings): He loses the Oscar among the other piles of gold he has made from LOTR.

- David Lynch (Mulholland Drive): The first ever acceptance speech in pig Latin.

- Ridley Scott (Black Hawk Down): He breaks a tooth biting into the Oscar, believing it to be made of chocolate.

Who Will Win: Howard, since his movie is favoured for Best Picture.

Who Deserves It: Altman, as a nod to his outstanding career.

Best Supporting Actor

- Jim Broadbent (Iris): Some smartass reporter asks him if he played the role of Iris – violence ensues.

- Ethan Hawke (Training Day): Pigs will fly, hell will freeze over and the Leafs will win the Cup.

- Ben Kingsley (Sexy Beast): He asks everyone to start calling him "Sexy," as opposed to his current nickname, "Beast."

- Sir Ian McKellen (Lord of the Rings): Figuring more than one knight can win an Oscar, a starry-eyed Paul Davenport moves to Hollywood.

- Jon Voight (Ali): His speech is almost as long as his screen time – 13 minutes.

Who Will Win: Sir Ian, the British nobleman.

Who Deserves It: Kingsley, the British commoner scum.

Best Supporting Actress

- Jennifer Connolly (A Beautiful Mind): To make it on stage she is forced to find her way through a labyrinth while followed by David Bowie and various Jim Henson puppets.

- Helen Mirren (Gosford Park): Delivers a profanity-filled speech about the United States' failure to adopt the metric system.

- Maggie Smith (Gosford Park): Complains that, after a 50 year career and two Oscars, she's known only as Professor McGonigle in Harry Potter.

- Marisa Tomei (In The Bedroom): George Costanza appears on stage, screaming "She's an Oscar winner, Jerry! An Oscar winner!"

- Kate Winslet (Iris): She refers to herself as the queen of the world in her acceptance speech and the audience rolls their eyes because that is so, like, 1997.

Who Will Win: Connolly.

Who Deserves It: Connolly. Wow, talent is rewarded.

Best Actor

- Russell Crowe (A Beautiful Mind): He gets to sleep with the other half of the actresses in Hollywood.

- Sean Penn (I Am Sam): He introduces himself by saying "I am Sean" and chuckles at his own wit. Nobody else joins in.

- Will Smith (Ali): DJ Jazzy Jeff is put on a 24-hour suicide watch.

- Denzel Washington (Training Day): Several "good guy" actors follow Denzel's lead by taking roles as villains in order to win an Oscar. Tom Cruise brushes up on his German for the lead in "The Adolf Hitler Story."

- Tom Wilkinson (In The Bedroom): The Academy members are suddenly ashamed when they recognize him as "that guy from Martin Lawrence's Black Knight."

Who Will Win: Denzel.

Who Deserves It: Wilkinson, but he's not a big enough name to win.

Best Actress

- Halle Berry (Monster's Ball): Out of sheer joy, she recreates her topless scene from Swordfish.

- Judi Dench (Iris): Out of sheer joy, she re-creates Halle Berry's topless scene from Swordfish.

- Nicole Kidman (Moulin Rouge): The camera cuts to Tom Cruise with a frozen smile and clapping politely as a single tear runs down his cheek.

- Sissy Spacek (In The Bedroom): In a re-creation of her role in Carrie, she is drenched with red liquid during her acceptance speech.

- Renee Zellweger (Bridget Jones' Diary): Is still far too immersed in her horny character and hits on presenter Russell Crowe.

Who Will Win: Kidman.

Who Deserves It: Berry and not just for the reason cited above – it's a great performance.

Best Picture

- A Beautiful Mind: Critics later discover more historical inaccuracies in the movie, as John Nash is revealed to be a guy that Ron Howard sat next to in his high school calculus class – not a mathematical genius.

- Gosford Park: It goes on to become the biggest box office hit ever, grossing over $25 billion.

- In The Bedroom: The producers say they'll celebrate "in the bedroom," causing the entire audience to shudder simultaneously.

- The Lord of the Rings: George Lucas says "Oh now they give the Oscars to the blockbuster fantasies" and consoles himself by rolling in his money vault.

- Moulin Rouge: The French take it as a sign that the Americans finally like them. They are sadly mistaken.

Who Will Win: A Beautiful Mind

Who Deserves It: Gosford Park or Moulin Rouge. LOTR fans can direct their complaints to opinions editor Marcus Maleus.

To Contact The Arts and Entertainment Department:

Copyright The Gazette 2002