Volume 95, Issue 81

Thursday, March 7, 2002
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If only...

Editorial Cartoon

Editorial Board 2001-2002

If only...

The boys are back in town and they've brought an unexpected guest with them – syphilis.

The surprising resurgence of this long-lost ailment means nothing is truly gone forever. With this in mind, we put our heads together and came up with a number of other ghosts from the past that are due for a triumphant return.

Smoking in The Spoke – Sure, the fog of tobacco smoke has cleared, only to reveal that your friends aren't there anymore.

Platform shoes with fish in the heel – A favourite of Superfly, Disco Stu and Captain Highliner.

The Dodo Bird – Finally, something more stupid than Pauly Shore.

Scurvy – There's nothing like a horrible condition that can only be cured by eating enough limes and lemons to make you puke.

New Kids On The Block – See scurvy.

Knight Rider – Michael? Would you like me to check for clues in my criminal database or just comb your freakish hair?

L.A. Lights – L.A. Gear high tops that blink when you walk could be exactly what we need to frighten off that creepy naked masturbator.

Luke Petrykowski – Where are you when we need you?

Pepsi Clear – There's something unsettling about the regular, opaque Pepsi. Just what are they trying to hide?

The follwing expressions – "No guff," "Smooth move Ex-Lax," "Where's the beef," "No shit, Sherlock" and "Take a chill pill." Because "Shizzle my Nizzle" just doesn't make any sense.

Short shorts – Who wears short shorts? The entire editorial staff of The Gazette.

The Taliban – Where have you gone Mullah Omar? The world needs more freakishly weird-looking evil people.

The El Camino – With a new Beetle and Austin Mini, the 'Cruck' can't be far behind.

Acid – You used to be able to buy a lifetime supply for $7, now you can't find it anywhere. Timothy Leary must be rolling in his grave.

The Diarrhea Song – "When you're ridin' in your Chevy and your pants are feelin' heavy..."

Pogs – Syphilis is back... in pog form.

Paper Money – Our loonies and twoonies weigh so much that we can't help wearing our pants like Gangsta Rappas.

Hypercolor T-Shirts – clothing that accentuates your sweaty bits... now there's marketing genius.

Duane Baxter – So many news stories, so many comics, all gone.

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter... Spray – I can't believe its a product. Thank you Fabio.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – They provided hours of entertainment and taught us about renaissance painters.

Pogoball, Skip-it, Slinky, Hoola-hoop, Slip n' Slide – All you really need to have fun is a cheap chunk of plastic in an interesting shape.

Arsenio Hall – Let's get busy! Whoop-Whoop-Whoop! (insert appropriate arm motion here).

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Copyright The Gazette 2002