Volume 96, Issue 1

Thursday, May 23, 2002
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Of peacocks and neanderthals

A different kind of love affair

Of peacocks and neanderthals

Despite Mother Nature's current lack of co-operation, summer has almost arrived – the season of love, heartbreak and scandalous casual sex.

Soon people will flock to patios across London, suffer from a mass evolutionary regression and proceed in their never-ending quest for the perfect mate – or at least the perfect night.

During this strange season, many men can be recognized only through their bestial grunts, their sloped foreheads and of course, their wooden clubs.

Many women can be recognized by their lack of attire – showing off their bronzed skin just as the mighty peacock spreads its wings [because I am a gentleman, I will refrain from making any further jokes involving the word "spreading"].

Summer love can come in many forms, each with its own dangers and advantages. Based upon my own embarrassingly limited experience, I present a miniature guidebook to the Cupid's summer arrows.

The co-worker: After a few weeks of light to heavy flirtation in the workplace, that guy or gal working beside you on the cappuccino machine or in the office down the hall can become strangely appealing. While the fall-out of such shenanigans can be disastrous, romance on the job is an uncontainable force, much like gravity and the power of leprechauns.

The one-night stand: Nothing combines the age-old elements of youth and stupidity like sleeping with a complete stranger. Negatives can include endless shame, bastard children and a plethora of disease.

The friend of a friend: In terms of their inherent potential for happiness, a friend of a friend is probably the best approach – as long as you have decent friends who don't enjoy hanging out with the scum of the universe [that's right, I am referring to neo-conservatives, as well fans of the recently defunct television show Ally McBeal].

The family vacation in which you meet the girl/guy of your dreams, have a torrid affair, never see each other again and spend the next two months of your life sitting around your apartment, eating Fritos and listening to "Patio Lanterns" by Kim Mitchell: No comment.

General rules of thumb: Never say I love you if you don't mean it. Always say I love you – the chance could pass you by. Nothing beats waking up in the morning with someone you care about fast asleep in your arms. Never make important decisions while you're drunk. Always aim for dim lighting if a situation involves full nudity. Live. Love. Learn. Stop listening to old Alanis Morissette albums.

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Copyright The Gazette 2002