Volume 96, Issue 2

Thursday, May 30, 2002
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London is "Hooptown North America"

Beware: Moronic babble below

Into the Raptors' den

The Mustangs in the Hall

Soccer fever is not just hittin' Japan...

Beware: Moronic babble below

The Gazette's World Cup round table

By Grant Donaldson, Chris Lackner and Benjamin Mills
Gazette Staff

The Gazette asked sports editor Benjamin Mills, editor-in-chief Chris Lackner and former graphics editor Grant Donaldson to sit at The Gazette's unsanitary, downright nasty lunch table and debate the outcome of the upcoming World Cup tournament. Collectively they know absolutely nothing about soccer, but without further ado here is their mindless babble, thinly disguised as actual commentary.

Donaldson: Ah, the World Cup of soccer, that special time when a million teams from countries unheard of by most of the globe kick a ball back and forth for 90 minutes hoping to score that all-important goal. Clearly something needs to be changed in a sport where so little real action happens that each goal warrants a celebration similar to that which occurs at the end of a major world war. However, it cannot be denied that the world of soccer has done well for itself, creating a fan-base more than willing to knife one another for wearing the wrong colour of T-shirt. Since I enjoy neither sporting inaction nor senseless violence, some major changes will have to occur in this year's World Cup before I stay up past my bedtime.

Lackner: Unlike my esteemed colleague, I am a big fan of senseless violence [as long as it's on the television and nowhere near me, for I am truly a yellow-bellied coward]. However, admittedly, I've never been able to wrap my little mind around the planet's most popular sporting phenomenon. In terms of predicting a winner, if I was a gambling man, I'd put my money on Tunisia this year. I'm not really sure where Tunisia is, but it sounds similar to the magical land of Narnia. I envision a team of naked pixies and centaurs kicking circles around their desperate opponent in the final. In the end, their magical pixie dust will see them through to ultimate victory. The only downside may come from unicorn soccer hooligans stabbing people with their horns but hey.

Donaldson: While a lot of uneducated banter has already been put forward regarding the sport of soccer, there is one thing I most clearly understand about the World Cup - drinking. Soccer fans will flock to bars and pubs alike and the antics of these drunken monkeys will more than draw police attention away from us regular college drunks. Nonetheless, my pick to win it all is Japan because their flag looks like a soccer ball - coincidence, I think not.

Lackner: I'm a little uncertain as to Japan's contender status. On one hand, they are a nation in which Samurai warriors are a cultural institution, but they also inflicted Pokemon upon us all. However, I must say, I still think the game of soccer would be much better if it was played on ice, with smaller nets, a rubber puck, long wooden sticks and blades strapped to each player's feet.

Mills: I'm in totally agreement with both of you, those crazy soccer hooligans like booze as much as fat guys like doughnuts. And Lackner, the tandem of Aslan and Caspian for Team Narnia is sure to be a force to be reckoned with. If I were to bet on a team that is neither a lion, a witch or a wardrobe, I'd have to bet on the US. They need the confidence boost after Canada kicked their ass in Olympic hockey.

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