Volume 96, Issue 2

Thursday, May 30, 2002
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Pathetic rant from jobless loser

Kids, reach for your lightsabre

Pathetic rant from jobless loser

Res Ipsa Loquitur
Emmett Macfarlane

News Editor

A full month of the summer term has come and gone and I still don't have a job.

I've noticed many of my friends are having the same difficulty this summer, so for those of you who are jobless (by choice or by chance), here are some ways to spend your precious free time.

First, let me say I considered providing advice on how to go about finding a job, but decided against it for two reasons: a.) helping everyone else find a job hurts the chances of finding one myself and b.) my ideas are probably useless given they've done absolutely nothing for my own cause.

Secondly, I warn you that some of my suggestions for time consumption are rational and thus emotionally painful, too often dismissed because of their practicality. But I can't propose you spend time getting hammered if you have no beer money, now can I?

One might say it would be easier and wiser, to spend your time job-hunting. In fact, that's what I'm planning to do, so there's your disclaimer.

Anyway, let's get started.

For those of you who are lucky enough to be living on your own in London but unlucky enough to still be in London, make sure you call home frequently just to chat. Numerous, repeated calls home to say 'hi' and listen about what your sibling (the child your parents are actually proud to talk about) is doing will soften your parents up for the times you call just to ask for rent money.

Next, find something constructive to do, like taking a summer course. Wait! Don't stop reading yet. If you don't do something reasonably constructive you'll find yourself not only unemployed, but with no one to leech off of for the summer. (Obviously, this assumes you aren't rich enough to support yourself. If you are, then I don't care if you stop reading - I hate you).

Feel free to make sure this productive activity doesn't take up too much of your time, because my next piece of advice is to sleep like a mono victim.

Some of you will make the mistake of thinking summer is the perfect time to get some sun, exercise and all of that, but you'll only be shortening your pathetic, jobless lives.

Let me explain: London is stuck in the middle of Sarnia, Hamilton, Toronto and the Windsor/Detroit area. All of the poisonous crap that spews out of these Mexico City hopefuls settles right over the Forest City. As soon as the weather heats up in June, it will become impossible - not to mention dangerous - to breathe.

Summer hibernation will do you good.

Of course, this is all contingent on you having air-conditioning. If not, go get a job somewhere that does.

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