Volume 96, Issue 19
Tuesday October 1, 2002

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Otto would be very, very proud

With the London Transit Commission searching for ways to improve service on overcrowded buses, The Gazette would like to offer some suggestions of our own:

Replace seats with carousel animals: Think of how happy and productive students would be after arriving to class on a smiling enamel horse or lion. Up-and-down motion and carny music would be an optional upgrade.

Have retired (read: washed up) '80s stars drive the buses: This could give Kirk Cameron and Scott Baio something to do with their time, and riders would feel safer knowing Charles was in charge of the bus.

Serve Jell-O shooters on all routes: Clearly bus drivers would have to abstain, but for riders, that grossly overcrowded bus feeling would transform itself into the cosy grab-your-neighbour feel of the Ridout dance floor.

Alternative payment plans for bus fare: Possibilities include flashing, exchanging your roommates' cell phone number with drivers or trading Garbage Pail Kids collector cards.

Any buses travelling below 50 mph explode: An exciting and efficient way to get to school. This also creates the possibility of a heroic guest appearance by dreamy Keanu Reeves or Sandra Bullock.

Sing-alongs led by Sharon, Lois and Bram: Besides traditional children's fare, they could accept requests for covers of Shakira, Nelly and Barenaked Ladies songs to create a festive and artistic atmosphere while on the road.

After dark, buses could transform into special "Cosmic Magic Fun Rides": The exciting new service would feature black lights, disco balls and techno music, with glow-in-the-dark bowling in the aisles. Finally, wearing tube tops to class could be in some way appropriate.

Replace non-descript bus stench with the lovely waft of Cinnabon: Free samples and advertising for the buns, with less nausea for riders. Everybody wins!

Substitute crabby old man bus drivers with endearing wise old man bus drivers: As a special bonus, each day one lucky rider would get to sit on "Gramp's" lap and hear stories about the Great War while munching on raisin smiley cookies. Aw...

Re-route all buses from Nat Sci to Las Vegas: An educational field trip and a great alternative to The Book Store as a place for students to blow all their OSAP money.

Print transfers on rolling papers and/or Fanshawe Diplomas: Instead of wasteful garbage, transfers would at least have some semi-useful purpose beyond their shelf life.

Increase space for riders with firetruck-style hand holds on the outside of buses: This would satisfy all those with a residual Backdraft fetish. The LTC could also employ "Drivey The Rabid Bus Racoon" to clear traffic as he ran down Richmond Street snarling and spraying foamy saliva.




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