Volume 96, Issue 20
Wednesday October 2, 2002

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Editor equal in idiocy

Bell Tolls
Jordan Bell
Sports Editor

I love the National Football League.

The NFL is like every carcinogen known to man mixed into one big joint of sweet lovely euphoria.

It's the female form without the emotion, the high maintenance and the baggage.

NFL football is better than sex and beer combined because you don't have the hangover the day after and there's no chance you'll have to gnaw your arm off ( la Coyote Ugly) when you wake up the next day and realize you slept with a dirty bar hussy.

However, if you could combine sex, beer and NFL football, that's another story – it's every man's fantasy. Actually, now that I think about it, add a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader – that's every man's fantasy

The 2002 NFL season has further validated my opinion that NFL football is the greatest professional league on Earth and this is coming from someone who eats, sleeps and dreams basketball.

In what other league in the world do you see a Super Bowl finalist (St. Louis Rams) return the following season and start 0-4?

Furthermore, in what league in the world can you watch a supposedly shitty team like the Carolina Panthers rear their ugly head and go undefeated in their first three games?

And finally, in what league do you see a team like the New Orleans Saints turn the corner and achieve dominance in the league, after years mired in futility and then lose to the worst team in the league, the Detroit Lions.

Parity is the creed of the NFL (this is meant to be a good thing, not like the band). Somewhere New York Yankees manager George Steinbrenner is experiencing a rapid onset of severe migraine headaches.

The National Hockey League has the Detroit Red Wings, the National Basketball Association has the Los Angeles Lakers and Major League Baseball has the New York "Stankees."

It's like watching David fight Goliath without the stone.

NFL football is a great substitute for religion. You don't have to deal with wars or Sunday drivers crampin' your style and, best of all, your kids are safe from priests frothing at the mouth at the site of some youngster.

Furthermore, there's nothing better than watching a bunch of grown men who could pop your head like a balloon in one hand, beat the living daylights out of each other while I sit in my Laz-E-Boy and eat Cheetos.

Unfortunately, it's not always good times when NFL football is involved. It's the one sport where junkies like myself look like bumbling circus freaks when we pick the St. Louis Rams and Pittsburgh Steelers to advance to the Super Bowl.

It's the one sport where you would prefer shooting yourself in the gonads because it's less pain than watching your ProLine ticket get ripped apart after the false hope you exhibited earlier in the morning made you confident enough to drop $10 on the Seahawks.

Let's be honest, there's only one man capable of predicting NFL games. The mystery man enjoys dolphins, woodland pixies and pirates. Gambling Man – you are smartest man alive.

NFL football is good. NFL football is great. Thank you for this gift I willingly take.

Amen.

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2002 THE GAZETTE