Volume 96, Issue 9
Thursday September 12, 2002

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Lord of the Pipe

By Jordan Bell, Ryan Hickman and Benjamin Mills
Gazette Staff


Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there emerged a hard, plastic, cylindrical tube shrouded in mystique and radiating purple. Earth was dark, however, and the pipe sunk into the depths of despair.

When light started to break through and mankind began to partake in competitive activities, the plastic pipe sparked a buzz from every corner of the globe with its ability to harness the purple power, its pristine glow and ability to attract premier athletes.

Passing through the hands of various athletic phenoms, the "Purple Pipe" found its way to Greece and was used as a baton in what the Greeks called "relay races".

The pipe spent many years in a remote Scottish village with only the finest rock throwers, swordsman and championship goat herders. Eventually, the pipe was lost and not heard from for many generations after it vanished in the stands during an English soccer riot.

Later word of the pipe emerged in the former Soviet Union with an attraction from Red Army hockey players. After the fall of communism, the "Purple Pipe" made its way to North America with Russian hockey players, like Alexander Mogilny, looking for fame and puck bunnies. The pipe soon disassociated itself from the Russians, however, because of their reluctance to pass the puck and back check.

Unfortunately, the pipe disappeared again, but was surprisingly found years later at the bottom of the Thames River in a conservative (some would say pathetically pretentious) city named London. By a stroke of fate, an inebriated Gazette reporter named Benjamin Mills, emerged with the pipe after he fell into the river.

Ben and the pipe were like two peas in a pod, never leaving each other's side. He used the purple shaft to stir his Kraft dinner, fend off overly-aggressive high school girls he met at The Ridout, self-stimulation and even packed his favourite strands of herb into one end to smoke.

As the "Purple Pipe" spent more time with Ben, it realized his athletic ineptness and tried to distance itself from the unco-ordinated sports writer, looking for a master with actual athletic prowess.

After Ben's continued turmoil with the pipe, he brought it into The Gazette office, detailing the strife he had gone through with the object he had just tried to love. The pipe, however, didn't want to be used as a sex toy, it wanted to be held in a star athlete's right hand and this was a wish Ben could never grant.

Without further ado, we introduce the "Purple Pipe" – to be given every week to the Western Mustangs athlete who best embodies the excellence of the pipe with outstanding sporting feats.

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2002 THE GAZETTE