Volume 96, Issue 10
Friday September 13, 2002

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Predictions made after one drink:

Indianapolis @ Miami

Dolphins live in the water and Colts (young horses for the un-educated) live on the land, so at first glance you'd have to give the edge to Indianapolis – last time I checked, Miami's stadium was not located underwater. But then you have to ask yourself – who is the horses' closest ally? The answer: clearly the cowboy. For the dolphin? Clearly the mermaid. Then you have to ask yourself if you'd want to go up against mermaid magic. Then you have to ask yourself why you're still reading this column.

Pick: Dolphins


Prediction made after five drinks and four cigars:

Carolina @ Detroit

At first glance, you might believe this as a battle between two of the wild feline predators of the animal kingdom: the panther and the lion. Of course, if you believe this, you're as stupid as someone who believes miming is a legitimate form of art. Picture these two teams as the Sylvesters of the NFL with the Tweety Bird representing that always elusive thing called respectability. I know Carolina won last week – but I wouldn't call scoring 10 offensive points a ringing endorsement.

Pick: Lions or indifference


Predictions made after 15 drinks, 142 cigarettes and one vain attempt to stand up

Minnesota @ Buffalo

Viking's wide receiver Randy Moss certainly is a talented asshole, but QB Brad Johnson doesn't have many other options. Can you say "triple coverage?" Can you say "Bledsoe is thirsty for his first Bill's victory?" Can you say "Moss is a tit-weasel?" I sure can.

Pick: Bills


Last week's record: 3-0, season record 3-0

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2002 THE GAZETTE