Volume 96, Issue 10
Friday September 13, 2002

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Don't just stare blankly at them

By Benjamin Mills
Gazette Staff

Lauren Starr/Gazette

SO, UM, DO YOU LIKE STUFF? The Western Mustangs cheerleaders continually decimate other teams in their competitions - but what would it take to win one's heart?

Western is known for many things, both good and bad. Our campus is one of the most beautiful in Canada, we have an excellent sporting program, a university president who is a French knight time and we cannot forget those lovely, Mustangs cheerleaders.

Western's squad is known all over Canada, mostly because they're so busy kicking other schools' asses in cheerleading competitions, but also because of the fit, attractive men and women that make up the team. So how does your average Western student in search of basket tossin' love approach one of these athletes? Take our advice at your peril.


Tip 1

Think two words – rocks and jocks. Rocks for rock stars and jocks for, well, jocks. To act like a jock, one must watch any of the Revenge of the Nerds films and act like the character known as "Biff." If you want to act like a rock star, just act really non-chalant about everything and tell her that you're writing a song about her, but you just can't find the right words to describe her beauty, or some other bullshit like that.


Tip 2

If you are a young lady frustrated with the antics of other swingin' athletes on this campus, express this to one of the cheerleaders. Explain how you expect he is much more sensitive to your needs because he works so closely on a team with women everyday.


Tip 3

Try to look like the lead singer of Nickleback. Oh, wait, this is about picking cheerleaders up, not scaring them away.


Tip 4

Comment on how cheerleading is a sport, not an activity like golf or ping-pong. Say something like "I would never attempt any of those tricks for fear of snapping my neck." Once that is said, she should melt.


Tip 5

Dress up like a giant Western flag. If you've ever been to a football game you know it's up to the men to carry the huge Western flag around the stadium and wave it frantically. If they have that much passion for a purple piece of cloth, wearing anything purple with a "W" on it can't be bad. Also, as was witnessed at a game at York last season, if anybody every tried to steal you from your beloved cheerleader the way York students tried to snatch the flag, they would get beat down.


Tip 6

No matter how many times you've seen it, do not bring up the movie Bring it On. Everybody has their Kirsten Dunst fantasy, but this is no place to try and live it out. All that's going to happen once you mention the movie is you're going to get an earful about how that movie is so unrealistic. It's like trying to become the coach of the Maple Leafs because you've seen The Mighty Ducks.

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2002 THE GAZETTE