Volume 96, Issue 14
Friday, September 20, 2002

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SATIRE - Your future: Dairy Queen or Evil Empire?

By Shannon Proudfoot
Gazette Staff

Homecoming Weekend has brought proud Western alumni of all ages back to their alma mater.

A major attraction for the coming weekend is the football game on Saturday, followed by a victory party that usually extends throughout downtown London.

One graduate for whom Mustangs football is particularly important is Bruce Martin, a 1992 kinesiology graduate. The former starting quarterback for Western said he plans on travelling with several friends to cheer on his team.

"We're going to f***ing destroy Mac this year!" Martin asserted, displaying his love of pointless profanity. "Those boys don't have the balls we had back in my day, but they're still the best f***ing team in this God damn country!"

A most memorable entrance was made by Charles Irwin, a graduate of the Richard Ivey School of Business in 1963.

The CEO of EvilEmpire Industries arrived on University College Hill in his private plane late Thursday, unfortunately destroying several memorial trees in the process.

Irwin is now a multi-millionaire living on an undisclosed island off the coast of New Zealand. He has already made several substantial contributions to Alumni Western, and an EvilEmpire addition is planned for Ivey in 2004.

Erin O'Neal, who received her degree in anthropology during last June's convocation, travelled from her parents' home in Kitchener to attend her first Homecoming as an alumnus.

"I moved back home after graduation to save some money. They took me back at the Dairy Queen I used to work at in high school, but I'm not planning to stay there for long," she said.

Although her unpaid student debt currently stands in excess of $10,000, O'Neal said she would like to donate to Alumni Western to ensure future Western students get the same experience she did.

"They've already called me six times over the summer for donations, so they must really need the money more than I do," she explained.

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2002 THE GAZETTE