Volume 96, Issue 14
Friday, September 20, 2002

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Who dares challenge Gambling Man?

After The Gambling Man's pearls of delusional wisdom went to print last week, Adam Clausner, one of our readers, wrote our resident betting man a letter. He said most of The Gambler's picks were "based on actual garbage" and sent in his own. Last week, Clausner finished 1-2 and our newspaper's vagabond finished 2-1. This week, we pit their football "knowlege" head to head.

Will Clausner's belief in the point spread prevail, or will it be the Gambling Man's penchant for tequila and magic mushrooms? We'll find out.

Gambling Man

St. Louis @ Tampa Bay – Three years ago, Rams QB Kurt Warner sold his soul to the Devil for three super-human seasons. Despite the fact I'd sell my soul for a bowl of nachos, it's clear Warner's deal is up. Crazy devil. Crazy Kurt. Crazy eternal damnation.

PICK: BUCCANEERS.



Carolina @ Minnesota – Last week I mistakenly made reference to the Viking's QB as being Brad Johnson as opposed to Daunte Culpepper. Today, I'm wearing two different coloured socks, a T-shirt with gravy stains and I'm drinking vodka at 9:30 in the morning. You figure it out.

PICK: PANTHERS.



Buffalo @ Denver – How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? That's a lot of chucks and, let's not kid ourselves, who doesn't love chucking?

PICK: BRONCOS.



Green Bay @ Detroit – Last week, in a moment of weakness and pity, I actually picked the Lions. Because Clausner chose every gimme game in this week's schedule – picks that could be made by a punch-drunk circus monkey – I feel compelled to pick at least one.

PICK: PACKERS.



New Orleans @ Chicago – In many ways, the Saints are like Magnum P.I. and the Bears are like Higgins. The Saints are always driving around in sports cars, wearing unbuttoned Hawaiian shirts, solving mysteries and flying around in T.C.'s helicopter. The Bears are always speaking in a British accent and getting pissed off at Magnum. 

PICK: SAINTS.



Clausner

Carolina @ Minnesota (6) – Randy Moss will have a field day against the weak Panther secondary. With the Moss ratio in full effect, Viking pivot Daunte Culpepper (not Brad Johnson), will hit Moss for at least two scores.

PICK: MINNESOTA.



Indianapolis (12) @ Houston – The big 3 of James, Harrison and Manning will run over the expansion Texans' D with a flurry of offense. With that in mind, the improving Indy defense will be able to rest on the sidelines and will be able to stop rookie QB David Carr and his offense dead in their tracks.

PICK: INDIANAPOLIS.



Seattle @ New York Giants (6) – "The G men" looked great in their win against "the greatest show on turf" last week and will be able to ride that momentum against a lacklustre Seahawk squad. Kerry Collins has been inconsistent so far this year, but will be able to toss a few scores to his big three receivers (Toomer, Hilliard, and Shockey).

PICK: NEW YORK.



Green Bay (8) @ Detroit – One of the cardinal rules about betting on the NFL is don't bet against the Lions at home. Well, I think we can throw out the rule book on this one. The Lions have been so bad this year that a winless season for them could be in the cards. Star tailback Ahman Green will likely not be playing, which will makes things tougher on Packers QB Brett Farvre – but not tough enough.

PICK: GREEN BAY.



Cincinnati @ Atlanta (7) – After two heart breaking losses to Green Bay and Chicago, it's time for Vick and the Falcons to get in the win column. The dirty birds should take full advantage of a weaker Bengal team – expect Vick to run all over Cinci's defense.

PICK: ATLANTA.

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2002 THE GAZETTE