April 1, 2003

 
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Infant named SARS

By Petey O'Knumscull

At a press conference today, Brian Henderson, a local high school gym teacher and London resident, announced that he has named his newborn baby boy SARS, after sudden acute respiratory syndrome, the mysterious disease that has recently afflicted the planet.

When asked why he named his new son after a fatal disease, Henderson said he was looking for a "tough" name.

"I'm hoping that the name SARS will strike fear into the hearts of everyone," he said.

"My older boy, Peabody, what a sissy," Henderson added. "I tried my damndest – spanking him, calling him names. It didn't work. I think smacking his rear end only sexually confused him.

"Once I bet that boy that he couldn't beat up a girl. That wiener took up the bet and lost. Man, oh man, for his sake he shouldn't have bet a trillion dollars; I mean, I'm rich, but he's still working it off in the asbestos refinery."

"I think [what he's doing to his child] is terrible," said his neighbour, Lenore Elliot.

"Hey, you don't know that my father screwed me up somethin' fierce," Henderson replied. "I used to have a weight problem and he told me that the military called him because I showed up on the satellite imaging." He later added, "I was crushed."

"If you were crushed, you'd be thinner," said an unknown trickster who twirled his mustache and disappeared into the crowd of onlookers.

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