April 1, 2003

 
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In Memorium: The president's dog

By Red Rabid

The UWO community was saddened last Wednesday upon learning of the death of Gulliver, the beloved bulldog of University of Wealthy Ontarians President Pal Davenporsche.

Gulliver first joined the UWO family in 1936, as a gift from former English prime minister Neville Chamberlain. At the time, former UWO president Franklin Then said, "We could not have a finer example of the UWO spirit than a, smelly dog with a bowel problem."

Over the years, Gulliver was passed down by each head administrator, taking up permanent residence guarding to the presidential castle. Passing students would look across the moat and wave at the beloved canine, who would usually respond by licking himself.

"I'll sure miss that old boy," said ninth-year math student Dan Tedson. "I remember this one time when a bunch of us were taking part in a rally. Davenporsche drove by in his solid-gold car, and Gulliver jumped out the window towards us. Boy, did I need a tetanus shot after that."

Davenporsche was unavailable for comment, and has reportedly been sequestered in his office since hearing the news. "He intercommed me once," said his secretary Edna Font. "He wanted me to find John Edward's phone number, but I told him that it was best to move on and not dwell on the past."

Though his lethargic sperm prevented any natural heirs, the UWO community may not have necessarily seen the end of the Gulliver legacy.

"We have DNA samples in storage," said dean of science Oliver Stein. "We'll be able to bring Gulliver back better than ever – Gulliver version 2.0 will not only have corrected bowels, but also wings and X-ray vision."

A memorial service for Gulliver is being held tomorrow afternoon, and his ashes will be scattered at Saugeen-Mating Hall in accordance with the dog's final wish to spend eternity with plenty of bitches.

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2002 THE GAZETTE