In Memorium: The president's
The UWO community was saddened last Wednesday upon learning of the death
of Gulliver, the beloved bulldog of University of Wealthy Ontarians President
Gulliver first joined the UWO family in 1936, as a gift from former English
prime minister Neville Chamberlain. At the time, former UWO president
Franklin Then said, "We could not have a finer example of the UWO
spirit than a, smelly dog with a bowel problem."
Over the years, Gulliver was passed down by each head administrator, taking
up permanent residence guarding to the presidential castle. Passing students
would look across the moat and wave at the beloved canine, who would usually
respond by licking himself.
"I'll sure miss that old boy," said ninth-year math student
Dan Tedson. "I remember this one time when a bunch of us were taking
part in a rally. Davenporsche drove by in his solid-gold car, and Gulliver
jumped out the window towards us. Boy, did I need a tetanus shot after
Davenporsche was unavailable for comment, and has reportedly been sequestered
in his office since hearing the news. "He intercommed me once,"
said his secretary Edna Font. "He wanted me to find John Edward's
phone number, but I told him that it was best to move on and not dwell
on the past."
Though his lethargic sperm prevented any natural heirs, the UWO community
may not have necessarily seen the end of the Gulliver legacy.
"We have DNA samples in storage," said dean of science Oliver
Stein. "We'll be able to bring Gulliver back better than ever
Gulliver version 2.0 will not only have corrected bowels, but also wings
and X-ray vision."
A memorial service for Gulliver is being held tomorrow afternoon, and
his ashes will be scattered at Saugeen-Mating Hall in accordance with
the dog's final wish to spend eternity with plenty of bitches.