April 1, 2003

 
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Damn cryptic kids

By Nameless Dufus

A recent trend in Hollywood has box offices booming, and the University of Wealthy Ontarians' own N. Day Shamalamahamalan is the catalyst in that boom.

Shamalamahamalan, a second-year minimally informed tree-hugger student, is now seen as a pioneer among Hollywood film directors for his breakthrough technique of having little kids whisper cryptic statements during moments of catharsis to scare the begeezus out of people.

"It all started with the Sixth Cents, when that little prick whispers that he sees dead people – or some shit like that – then everyone in the audience is like, 'Whoa, this kid just scared the fuck outta me, that's some scary-ass shit'," Shamalamahamalan said.

"I initially cut the scene, but when one of my many assistants kept on coming to work late because he couldn't sleep at night because of what that little bastard said, I fired his ass then put the scene back in. That'll show 'em." Shamalamahamalan added.

Films like The Shin-o-rama-ing and The Ding, have also employed similar tactics to scare the crap out of people, but Shamalamahamalan says the directors of those films are merely, "rip-off artists who deserve to have their eyeballs gouged-out by devils in the ninth circle of Hades!"

Once informed that The Shin-o-rama-ing was filmed decades before The Sixth Cents, a visibly irate Shamalamahamalan threw a typewriter at me, causing me to die, thus preventing me from finishing this interview.

The last words I could hear as I lay dying were, "Nobody messes with N. Day Shamalamahamalan, nobody.

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2002 THE GAZETTE