April 1, 2003

 
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Tossing midgets, not salads

By Fye R. Crotch

Photo: Hardy McBallswea
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS, SCHMOLITICAL SCHMORECTNESS. Midgets are midgets, they are meant to be thrown. 'Nuff said, beeatch.

In a move that was originally dubbed "retarded," the University of Wealthy Ontarians have unveiled a new varsity athletic team: the midget-tossers.

"We felt that we weren't reaching the minimum required quota of midgets-tossed among Canadian universities," said Horatio P. Knobgobbler, assistant to the vice-provost's assistant of financial assistance on assisting the unassistable. "All of the other Canadian universities toss an average of two midgets per student, per annum – wait, what's 'annum' mean?"

The team will compete in two categories based on the weight of the midgets: tiny little bastards and fatty-bo-batties. As for the people who will be throwing the midgets, the team will be comprised of both men and women, becoming the first varsity athletic team to combine the sexes.

"I'm very excited to compete alongside the men," said Sandra Ballzack, captain of the midget-tossing team. "Maybe I can finally get the opportunity to kick one of them in the balls."

"It's about fucking time we started tossin' 'em midgets," said some wanker. "All them other universities are doin' it, so why the fuck can't we?"

We can.

Many thought the idea of midget- tossing was unethical and violated numerous human rights issues, but the university is not concerned with all that crap. "We're not concerned with all that crap," Knobgobbler said.

But, what about the midgets who are being tossed? For if you toss a midget, doth he not scream?

"It really doesn't hurt that much," said fatty-bo-batty midget Gary Mansteak. "By 'doesn't' I mean 'does', and by 'much', I mean 'a lot'," he clarified.

As for why the university started up a new varsity sports team, Knobgobbler provided some insightful insight. "Midget-tossing: It's unbe-fucking-lievable!"

The midget-tossing team's season opener is some time next week, but who the fuck cares.

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2002 THE GAZETTE