Tossing midgets, not
By Fye R. Crotch
SCHMOLITICAL SCHMORECTNESS. Midgets are midgets, they are meant to
be thrown. 'Nuff said, beeatch.
In a move that was
originally dubbed "retarded," the University of Wealthy Ontarians
have unveiled a new varsity athletic team: the midget-tossers.
"We felt that we weren't reaching the minimum required quota of midgets-tossed
among Canadian universities," said Horatio P. Knobgobbler, assistant
to the vice-provost's assistant of financial assistance on assisting the
unassistable. "All of the other Canadian universities toss an average
of two midgets per student, per annum wait, what's 'annum' mean?"
The team will compete in two categories based on the weight of the midgets:
tiny little bastards and fatty-bo-batties. As for the people who will
be throwing the midgets, the team will be comprised of both men and women,
becoming the first varsity athletic team to combine the sexes.
"I'm very excited to compete alongside the men," said Sandra
Ballzack, captain of the midget-tossing team. "Maybe I can finally
get the opportunity to kick one of them in the balls."
"It's about fucking time we started tossin' 'em midgets," said
some wanker. "All them other universities are doin' it, so why the
fuck can't we?"
Many thought the idea of midget- tossing was unethical and violated numerous
human rights issues, but the university is not concerned with all that
crap. "We're not concerned with all that crap," Knobgobbler
But, what about the midgets who are being tossed? For if you toss a midget,
doth he not scream?
"It really doesn't hurt that much," said fatty-bo-batty midget
Gary Mansteak. "By 'doesn't' I mean 'does', and by 'much', I mean
'a lot'," he clarified.
As for why the university started up a new varsity sports team, Knobgobbler
provided some insightful insight. "Midget-tossing: It's unbe-fucking-lievable!"
The midget-tossing team's season opener is some time next week, but who
the fuck cares.