April 1, 2003

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Learning the ABCs of STDs

Blantantly obvious study reveals trends

By Jimminy McSyphillous

A recent study released by the Patently Obvious Research Group indicates that there may be a link between The Slidout nightclub and a high incidence of sexually transmitted diseases among students at the University of Wealthy Ontarians in London.

In results that cost a great deal of funding and surprised no one except the disturbingly na•ve, researchers found that with more frequent and prolonged exposure to The Slidout environment, the probability for students contracting a stds grew infinitely. This correlation seemed to be strongest among first-year students, particularly those who were underage.

Other conditions that heightened the risk of infection included the wearing of tube tops, "Gino" shirts and skirts that extended to less than two inches below the buttocks. Copious amounts of personal fragrance, the ingestion of large quantities of alcohol and having sex with total strangers on the dance floor were also identified as risk factors.

Dr. Pierre Verted, head of research at PORG, pointed out that there were some surprises in the incredibly insipid study he co-chaired and some government body actually funded.

"Interestingly, having sex with total strangers in restrooms seems to be comparatively safe," Verted noted. He explained this may be due to the proximity of dispensers offering French Ticklers, OctoPussies and other prophylactics ribbed for someone's pleasure.

"It is likely that, in their alcohol-fuelled haze of lust, promiscuous participants are more likely to use condoms, which can prevent the spread of disease, if they notice a dispenser nearby the countertop on which they are engaging in intercourse," Verted said.

He noted, however, that such latex products were largely ineffective in preventing disease spread by fellatio performed under tables and parking lots. Due to the morally corrupt nature of many Slidout patrons, this sort of idiotic behaviour is unlikely to stop.

Slidout patrons who were questioned regarding the study had little idea what was going on.

"That's so stupid!" commented Leanne Hore, while grinding with a group of gentlemen on the dance floor.

"My friend Julia said you can't get an STD if you're on the pill, and she would know because she's in health sci," Hore continued.

Hore was later seen exiting an abandoned upstairs hallway with two gentlemen and a bouncer in tow.


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