April 1, 2003
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UWO: better than sex and Eden

There are very few things in this world that can be described as, "better than sex," "bigger than Jesus," "happier than the happiest place on earth," "the 'new' Eden" and "more magical than Disney's Magic Kingdom."

The University of Wealthy Ontarians is one of those things..

Davenporsche in double trouble?

This September brings about a new challenge for the University of Wealthy Ontarians – one question is on the minds of faculty, administration and students alike: will the mass influx of first-year students spell "double trouble," or will the autumn be cohort-alicious?.

Breast implant referendum contested

The Unholy Self-serving Children is up in arms concerning the results of last Friday's student breast implant referendum.


Don Juan jewel thief

In a modern romantic tragedy of Shakespearean proportions, Pal Davenporsche, the president of the University of Wealthy Ontarians, recently had his heart broken by an international diamonds thief.

UCC food prices kick the snot out of students

A 2,000-strong protest against Centre Snot pricing is set to kick off in the Universally Conceited Centre atrium next week. The protest, dubbed "Free the Food," comes after a slew of other student protests against rising tuition and war.


IN 500 Words
Penguins are the enemy

I have taken it upon myself to answer the eternal question that has haunted humanity for generations: why is there no human life in Antarctica?

One must first understand the origin of humanity to effectively answer this question. When aliens (who ironically looked much like present-day Marlon Brando) first came to earth and seeded it with human life, they also put little human seeds in Antarctica.

> I'll No Pogo your baby-killing, fat-cat, capitalist ass
> SOF whines, feelings hurt
> Dick Ivy Capitalist Strikes Back

> UWO "Hippies Hippie" wins teaching honours
> Dr. Beach coming to UWO
> Learning the ABCs of STDs
> "Political correctness" critiqued
> Professor spells 14 words correctly
> Infant named SARS
> In Memorium: The president's dog
> Celebrities reach out to Iraq, Vanilla Ice lives
> Damn cryptic kids
> If you like bands that aren't really that good, read this
> Krede comes clean
> Culture on display at MacDaddy Gallery
> 2 Quarters avoids nine shots and sells 12,000,000 albums
> Tossing midgets, not salads
> Hey fun boys, where's the funding?
> Rock, paper, scissors
> Drugs are good for you, trust us
> In Brief