April 1, 2003

Search the Archives:



IN 500 Words

Penguins are the enemy

Dr. General E. Stoned has been a UWO faculty member since 1943 and is a well-known abuser of canabis and opium; his theories have been rejected in over 83 countries.

I have taken it upon myself to answer the eternal question that has haunted humanity for generations: why is there no human life in Antarctica?

One must first understand the origin of humanity to effectively answer this question. When aliens (who ironically looked much like present-day Marlon Brando) first came to earth and seeded it with human life, they also put little human seeds in Antarctica. Dinosaur fossils were consequently placed in the ground in order to confound modern scientists as to humanity's true origins, and corn was introduced into the Earth's environment so that it would one day allow us to mass-produce nachos. God bless those bloated alien beach balls.

Sadly, Antarcticans found themselves geographically isolated and remained unknown to the rest of developing humanity – they were all by themselves, with no access to life's necessities, such as peanut butter, foot fetish pornography or pork chops.

With their crucial needs unfulfilled, the Antarcticans became disgruntled – slowly they morphed, mutated and evolved into what we know as modern-day penguins.

Yes, penguins are nothing more then underdeveloped humans who have been denied the delicious and satisfying opportunities created by a friendlier climate.

For ages they were stuck on Antarctica, isolated from the rest of us. While humanity discovered fire, the penguin people learned how to fish and, for a time, the balance of power was held in check.

However, several instances have changed all this – for example, the Penguin from the movie Batman Returns. Do not be fooled; Danny DeVito is actually a penguin who has undergone a series of plastic operations to give him the semblance of looking mildly human. Now he has infiltrated our ranks and is covertly placing penguins disguised as humans in positions of power.

Penguins can also be found at almost any local zoo, where they study our habits and are waiting to strike when we least suspect it.

When they do attack, we will be no match for their viscous beak-poking and they could slowly conquer the temperate world.

Humanity's only defence is Santa Claus and his army of elves, working in tandem with the real modern Marlon Brando, known in select circles as a "raw penguin eating machine," and William Shatner, because he is partially insane and has absolutely nothing else to do.

The only reason Santa and his elves have survived in the frigid climate of the North Pole is by hunting penguins in the frozen wastelands of the Arctic. Our festive saviours have a unique knowledge of the penquins' weaknesses – they know how to beat them.

My internal sources within Santa's workshop have leaked the battle plans for the coming war. During the battle's final stages, William Shatner will be employed in a last-ditch effort to seduce the penguin queen, leaving the evil emperor penguin distracted by his seething jealousy. This will open up his defenses to the sheer monstrosity that is Marlon Brando's gaping maw. With their leadership either wooed or devoured, the rest of the penguins will fall to the elven troops.

It's not every day that you learn something new; I hope I've opened your eyes and properly explained why there are no human beings in the Antarctica. Knowledge is power. Thank you.

Contact The Editorial Department