April 1, 2003

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UWO: better than sex and Eden

By Prop Aganda

There are very few things in this world that can be described as, "better than sex," "bigger than Jesus," "happier than the happiest place on earth," "the 'new' Eden" and "more magical than Disney's Magic Kingdom."

The University of Wealthy Ontarians is one of those things.

While cradling a baby he recently saved from a burning building and simultaneously solving the crisis world hunger, UWO President Pal Davenporsche, commented on how utterly perfect his university is.

"At UWO, students live in harmony, while skipping rope, holding hands, eating cup cakes and periodically solving humanity's greatest problems," Davenporsche said, his flawless white teeth gleaming in the afternoon sun. "This is the kind of university where even our dogs and cats live in harmony, their kinship so strong that they sometimes engage in wild bouts of inter-animal sexual relations. This is a place where rainbows never fade away, where dreams come true – a place where we've genetically re-created unicorns to roam free on the campus just to put a smile on your face. There's really no downside to this institution – except for the occasional student getting pierced by a unicorn horn. But, hey, what a way to go."

Davenporsche said plans are underway to further enshrine UWO's status as the world's last utopia, including the implementation of teaching assistant's made out of chocolate, who will be "both tasty and informative," water fountains that spout Kool-Aid and the culmination of a long-time project which seeks to brainwash UWO's squirrel population to speak in eight different languages.

"The squirrels will act as welcoming ambassadors to new students and the visiting public," Davenporsche said. "You haven't lived until you've seen a beret-clad squirrel jump on the hood of your car and shout out "Bonjour!"

As she stuffed a wad of green bills down her pants (subtly handed to her by a passing rodent), second-year kegstanding student Emily Suckup, said going to UWO has been a dream come true. "My dream of doing Allan Thicke doesn't even compare to this."


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