April 1, 2003

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Celebrities reach out to Iraq, Vanilla Ice lives

Western Spews sought out celebrities to get their reactions to the United States' ongoing war with Iraq.

Michael Jackson: "I just pray for the Iraqi children. I want them to know they can take refuge in Neverland anytime they want."

Mariah Carey: "War is bad and all because once they stop feeding the Iraqis, they'll all be skinnier than me, and that's not cool."

Emeril Lagasse:
"Bam! What is all that 'bam!' over in Baghdad? I like smart bombs as much as the next guy, but I invented the 'bam!' there better not be any 'bam!' over there. They owe me money."

Whitney Houston: "Crack is whack."

O.J. Simpson: "I blame Saddam for everything. Has he tried on the glove? No, I don't think so, and the question is: why not?"

Celine Dion: "I love zee children of zee world and zay should not have to worry, Celine Dion is here and I am here to save zee world with my music. I am zee greatest singer in zee world, thanks to my Grandpa – I mean, my husband Renée."

Ozzy Osborne: "(Incomprehensible muttering)... fuck... shit... fuck war, man."

Jesus: "Dear President Bush, sure your dad attacked Iraq 12 years, but my dad flooded the entire world killing all but two people and some animals and you don't see me going after the Godforsaken remaining few."

Monica Lewinski: "If Saddam wins the war, you know who I'll be interning for next. I'll blow him away."

Vanilla Ice: "Why don't they just stop, collaborate and listen to each other?"


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