April 1, 2003

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2 Quarters avoids nine shots and sells 12,000,000 albums

By Rob Van Winkle

Like a bullet flying from a car window in Compton, rapper 2 Quarters has shot to the top of the charts with his debut album Get a Bitch or Die Tryin'. Of course, none of his success would have been possible had it not been for the terrible aim of Tony Sureshot.

On a cold Detroit October night, Quarters emerged from his favourite gutter to find Sureshot standing right in front of him. Both stood cracked up, with their eyes locked in the most intense staring contest this world has ever seen.

Quarters later confessed that he thought Sureshot was the Energizer Bunny trying to mug him.

Sureshot then attempted to cap Quarters' ass nine times, yet somehow he was unable to kill him. Instead, bullets missed of all Quarters vital spots, leaving him wounded, but not dead.

When we caught up with Sureshot in "da club" to ask him about the incident, he seemed genuinely upset about the whole incident.

"I don't understand how I missed," Sureshot sulked, as he downed a 40 of Old English. "I mean, the guy was only five feet away. I aimed for all the vital organs, like the earlobe, the thigh and the pinky toe. The bullets must have been faulty."

Sureshot claims his motivation for the shooting was Quarters' refusal to pay him after he painted his fence.

"I worked for three days on that fence. His Huck Finn punk ass had better pay up."

Quarters denied the accusation, claiming, "Da dude paints like a goat on crizzack, beeatch. Frickin' bitch-ass wankster, silly-ass gangster, don't understand I am the ultimate-ass prankster."

All attempts to translate Quarters' statement failed.

We asked Quarters why he thought his debut CD had been so successful and whether his melt-in-your-mouth bedfellow M&EM's assistance played any role in his immediate success.

We believe Quarters denied this notion, though we were unable to tell because he mumbled incoherently under his breath, ensuring no one could understand him.

Many people have begun to blame Sureshot for permanent brain and ear damage from hearing Quarters' song repeated over and over when he had a chance to stop him.

In order to make up for his error, Sureshot has vowed to join the National Riffle Association and learn human anatomy.

"Next time I'm aiming for his brain – though it may be hard to hit, since it is so small," he said.


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